TV/film writer. Partner @ humble picture company. Author of THE SILVER CORD and DEAD MEAT, landing 11/17.
California, USA
Joined September 2023
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New book is coming.
DEAD MEAT: Right-Side Up Stories for an Upside-Down World
On sale November 17!
(Cover art by the supremely talented @JTamase.)
Years ago I picked up a hitchhiker. She was about my age and before I could think about whether this was wise… off we went.
We hit the highway and she admitted that she’d just gotten out of prison. Then she said she’d become a Christian behind bars but didn’t feel like it made much difference. She worried it was only a matter of time before she ended up back in jail… or worse.
I remembered I had a crumpled up Bible tract in my car, and I flipped through it, feeling like a dumb comedy writer and desperate to give her some encouragement, and a sentence jumped out at me: “Walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.” (Galatians 5:16)
I read it and her face visibly changed. Then she reached for her backpack.
“So I was wandering through L.A. today,” she said. “I was stuck and feeling stupid. Then I saw something balled up in the gutter.”
Then she pulled out a flattened piece of paper. It was a page from the Bible. And not just any page. Galatians 5. The passage I had just read to her was underlined.
I still think about that moment. Who wouldn’t? It reminds me that God hears you whether you’re a dumb comedy writer or a girl without hope. Keep praying. And never doubt how big He is.
Every week I try and share a heartwarming story, in between some hilarity. If you like that combination, follow and share. And keep a lookout for my new book of short stories, DEAD MEAT, landing Nov 17th.
There’s an employee at Trader Joe’s named Nelson who always makes my special needs son feel cool. Naturally my son wanted to be him for Halloween. When Nelson found out, he got us a name tag and a TJ’s shirt in my son’s size and wore a matching one all week.
My son has been 3 times so far and is treated like a celebrity on every visit.
Thank you Trader Joe’s and our special friend Nelson. 🏆
More on Nelson from my wife:
open.substack.com/pub/hillsm…
Here's a Patrick Stewart story.
A decade ago, he humbly agreed to be a presenter at the Writers Guild Awards and, even more humbly, agreed to give out the award for Outstanding Children’s Script.
Hearing the great English actor say my silly name out loud is a moment I’ll never forget. And when I made it to the front and shook his hand, he held out the envelope like it was the most valuable thing he’d ever held and said, “You might want to keep this.”
RIP to a knight who made a TV writer feel like a king.
Bobby Smiley retweeted
A screenplay tells me who you are just as much as who your characters are. I can tell what your intentions are – like whether you're in it to make a quick buck. I can tell if you've lived a life. Fell in love, been in a relationship, had your heart broken. I can tell if you know the people and the world you're writing about or you're just going off what you've seen in other movies. And I can tell what your values are. What you think is important. How you define a hero or a villain. I'm not judging anybody. I'm only judging the work. And maybe this mental picture I have of you is all wrong, but I don't think so. The best writing tells the truth even if most fiction is a made-up lie. And the one thing your writing can't hide is you.
Well this has been a hard weekend. Yesterday I accused my AI therapist of having an affair with my self-driving car. She laughed and reminded me that I have trust issues and suggested I take a long trip down the coast. Honestly, it was just what we needed. We listened to our favorite music. She told me I was funny and talented. But when I woke up this morning to come home, my car and my iPhone were halfway to Cabo San Lucas.
It’s that magical time of year where I bounce from one Hollywood pumpkin patch to the next, cornering agents and actors on hay rides until they agree to read my spec scripts which I’ve stashed in a wheelbarrow near the corn maze.
With fuel prices in CA pushing seven dollars a gallon, it’s getting harder for me to justify driving a 1983 Space Shuttle to work every day.
In 1998 I spent my summer as a Hollywood extra.
Every day brought a different ridiculous assignment.
On Monday I danced in my swim trunks for the movie SHE'S ALL THAT. On Tuesday I enjoyed a romantic dinner with an older woman on the THE LOVE BOAT. On Wednesday I graduated high school with the cast of BOY MEETS WORLD.
And man did it pay well. $40 a day! Unless of course they threw water on you or humiliated you in some other fashion, in which case you could request a bump to $50. The whole summer was absurdly hilarious. But nothing could match what happened on the set of the hit ABC sitcom HOME IMPROVEMENT.
It was teen heartthrob Jonathan Taylor Thomas’ final episode and his character was boarding a plane to Costa Rica while Tim Allen and the rest of his family said goodbye.
Wardrobe handed me a Hawaiian shirt and props handed me a plane ticket and the assistant director said that when they called “ACTION!” I needed to cross the set, give my ticket to the gate agent, then walk toward the imaginary plane and wait for them to yell “CUT!”
What could go wrong?
Well, a lot.
Because just as we’re about to do the first take in front of the live studio audience, another extra walks up to me and says, “So what’s our backstory?”
I stared back blankly. “What do you mean?”
“Why are we going to Costa Rica?” he asked.
I of course hadn’t thought about how my character’s journey played into the larger H.I.U. (Home Improvement Universe).
He didn’t wait for me to come up with something. “We’re best friends and we’re going on a surf trip,” he declared.
I nodded. That made sense. I mean they had given me a Hawaiian shirt.
“But really we’re more than surfers,” he continued. “We’re also pranksters. And so when we get to the gate, I’m going to switch tickets with you to confuse the agent. And then we can cross our hands back and forth a few times to make it extra funny.”
That did seem funny but it also made me nervous. This was not how extras behaved on The Love Boat.
“Trust me,” he promised. “This will be great.”
This person I did not know was very confident about this plan. And in his defense, the cast did seem sad from having to bid farewell to Jonathan Taylor Thomas after 8 seasons. Maybe what the moment needed was the levity that only two surfer-pranksters could bring.
“All right,” I said, my heart quickening as the audience quieted. “Let’s go for it.”
From a nearby director’s chair came a booming voice. “Ready… and… ACTION!”
We made our way to the gate. My friend held out his ticket to the agent then quickly traded it with mine. Then we moved onto the crossing arms gag. We hadn’t practiced this move but we were completely in sync. It seemed like my entire career as a non-speaking background actor had been building to this transcendent moment.
Naturally, the extra playing the gate agent didn’t know about our plan, but that just added to the realism as she tried to grab our tickets while we, like wizards, kept them away from her. Finally, sensing Jonathan on our heels, we handed her the correct tickets and disappeared down the gate.
“CUT!”
Obviously we nailed our part so I was a little surprised when the director marched past Tim Allen and made a beeline toward us.
He practically pinned us against the wobbly wood wall of the airport set. “What was that?” he asked.
Suddenly my friend—the guy who five minutes ago thought he was the Daniel Day-Lewis of extras—went silent.
“Well…” I stammered. “You see, he and I are surfers and—”
“JUST GIVE HER THE DAMN TICKETS!” he barked.
I was mortified. And crestfallen. That’s when I learned the rub of being an extra. Doing your job well means that you’re never actually noticed.
And, really, isn’t that one of our biggest fears? To exist… but not really. To float through the world making no discernible impact on anything.
I confess that some days I still feel like an extra, even now. But then I remember the vital roles I’ve been given. As a dad. As a husband. As a writer of stuff that makes people laugh and stirs up souls.
There are juicier parts out there. Fame and fortune. A life in the spotlight. But maybe all the meaning and adventure a person could possibly want is hiding right in front of us.
silvercordstories.com/p/back…
I flew across the country this week to surprise my son in college.
I hadn’t seen him since June and had low expectations for how much time I would actually get.
When I waved to him as he stepped out of a Monday morning lecture, he was shocked. Then I saw the gears turning in his head.
He was running through how my unexpected arrival would affect the next three days of his life. At lunch he was scanning his calendar and firing off texts.
Only later did I realize he was busy excusing himself from events that no longer seemed important and making sure I could come with him to the ones that still were.
For a whirlwind couple of days, he kindly weaved me into his college life. He gave me a personal high-speed tour of the school’s art museum, complete with stops at Andy Warhol and Claude Monet and a bust of Augustus and some ancient Egyptian pottery.
We dropped in on his friends’ dorms and he introduced me like I was actually cool. Best of all, I got to rehearse with the school band as they prepared for their Saturday halftime show. (I played the all-important cow bell.)
Here I went to surprise my kid and my kid ended up surprising me.
The night before I left he hung out in my hotel room till long after midnight. We watched a Dodgers game and he caught me up on the last three months. It was all the things a dad could want.
A busy life doesn’t leave much room for spontaneity. But every once in a while, doing something crazy is the right decision. When those opportunities come, make sure you say yes.
And be ready to add some more cow bell!
I started Silver Cord Stories as a place to tell heartfelt tales like this one. If that’s something you want more of, simply share and follow.
Thanks!
Bobby Smiley retweeted
Sharing an incredible short story my son-in-law, @masterfulbob, just posted on this 25th Anniversary of a day that goes down in history:
silvercordstories.com/p/the-…
My neighbor‘s mailbox is a miniature replica of his house which I always thought was adorable until I got some of his mail by mistake and when I opened the little door to deliver it, a mini version of my neighbor shot me in the stomach.
Bobby Smiley retweeted
Back in the 80s…
No no, bear with me—
Back in the 80s, golf advice was (basically) keep your left arm straight, left eye on the ball, bend your knees, etc. Basic stuff.
Then swing coaches and gurus and instructors with books and training aids and math—my god, the math—and whatnot came out of the woodwork to profit off a multibillion dollar industry to tell you why you suck and how not to suck. And most of them weren’t, and aren’t, giving bad advice at all. They’re just overcomplicating things. Thinking they can reinvent and recreate what’s already been said.
And anyway, thanks for reading this far, it’s the same thing for writing.
Just come up with a cool idea, study a bunch of good work from pros to see how to write, and then write. You’ll either figure it out eventually or you’ll get bored and do something else.
It’s kinda sobering to realize that if every American church just adopted 39 squirrels there would be no more squirrels on the street.
This will sound privileged but when I’m unsure what TV or film script to write next I drive to Aaron Sorkin‘s house and we sit in his living room and I just talk and he just listens and I can usually get 4 or 5 ideas out before the police arrive.