johnmccombscomedy

“Why do women find Pete Davidson so attractive?” - Guy who’s been in 0 movies and makes $45,000 a year

I thought I wasn’t that out of touch with music and then I thought Dolph Lundgren died today.

Nothing will anger a woman like not matching her texting energy. -400 level relationship tip

“War or some shit. I dunno, John Cena is in it.” -Netflix fully giving up on naming their original content.

Not a single person who reposted that Sue Bird vs Lebron James salary comparison has said anything about the Chicago Sky winning the championship. YOU are the problem.

As someone who routinely forgets to cancel before the end of the free trial I feel specifically targeted by heartbeat bills.

Edge lord comics should approach comedy like jazz: “it’s about the jokes you don’t say.”

Somewhere out there there is a beautiful woman with a lot of cleavage who just joined Facebook and is wondering why only losers are accepting her friend requests

Be nice to your artist friends. You never know which of them one day may be bartending at a bar you like

I’m just imagining the ass chewing a taking place over at Mark Zuckerberg’s office right now.

My goal is to have a drunk tweet with 10 likes used to pad out a listicle by a lazy journalist on @BuzzFeed or @FanSided

Youtube: “Ok, we’ll keep letting you skip our 30 second ads but how about we just give you two 15 second ones instead?” You: “Ok…wait, what?”

White People: OMG! Sweater weather! Black People:

Do you ever burp with your mask on after drinking beer just to see if you can still feel anything?

I’m pro mask but is anything sadder than a fully-bearded man with a tiny mask?

Hey pro life folks, have you donated Bone Marrow? Blood? Kidneys? Skin tissue? Plasma? Eggs? Sperm? If you think people should be forced to sacrifice their bodies for life then surely you should forced be donate everything you can to, right?

There is literally no benefit to restricting abortion. You create real problems for people who have to deal with the health, financial, and emotional problems of going through the act of giving birth while you get to give yourself a moral pat on the back.

Unspoken rule of black barbershops: the more the barber actually pays attention to your hair during the cut, the worse they are.

The only way Texas will allow abortions is if someone shoots the fetus because it was on their property, kneeling during the national anthem.