Take me down to Penis City where the grass is penis and the girls are penis

I’ve relapsed on things you didn’t even know you could get addicted to

I love being a stupid asshole

I only drink when I’m celebrating. Or when I’m sad. Or when I’m bored. Or when I feel like it. Or when I don’t.

Car absolutely covered in horrible bumper stickers (“sounds gay, I’m in”, “no baby on board ram me”, etc) stopped at a light. Man next to me saw it, began laughing uproariously, filming, pointing it out to passers-by, the works. I can only dream of having that much joy in my life

Wait I just remembered I hate working

Staring at my girlfriends boobs in public >>>>>

“Do you seriously get a boner holding hands?” I get a boner when she likes my tweets

It used to be that you would always hear about a guy named The Joker. Now there isn’t much to laugh about these days. Think about it

Life is pretty good when you don’t think about it

No one talks about how stressful robbing and killing people is

(during sex) Who’s this asshole?

My dick is swelling with love

There will never be a ‘modern-day Bob Dylan’ because there’s no mystique to any of these artists. How am I supposed to take their art seriously when their Snapchat selfies and Steam history are plastered all over the internet?

Why is dioarhea spelled like that

TOUCH MY WEEWEE TOUCH MY FUCKING WEEWEE!!!!!

mickidiot’s family friendly pivot is hated by all