Creative director @superassociates, father, complainer. Two Emmys (humble). Clear eyes, full heart, can’t digest gluten.
Casually standing near cookies
Joined November 2008
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Currently updating all social media to Writer for @JimmyFallon @fallontonight
mike is happy (relatively) retweeted
Apparently there’s a lady named Dana White who is an DoD public affairs assistant and I guarantee you someone recommended her to Trump and he thought they meant UFC Dana White and nobody is allowed to correct him lol
Guys, when are we all getting our gender reassignment surgery? I hear the middle school is scheduling two months out and this Groupon says I can bring a guest for half price. Who’s with me?
#BlueWave
Dear Democratic Candidates, Please STFU about socialism.
Lean center… hard. This isn’t about you being some sort of noble warrior.
YOUR JOB IS TO WIN ELECTION.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
#VoteBlueToSaveAmerica #VoteBlue #VoteBlue2026 #Vote
“I’d say the lord has blessed us all today. It’s just that he’s been particularly good to me.” - Rest in peace, Tom Skerritt.
If I ever get a chance to audition for you, @BenAffleck and @markwahlberg, I’ll just stand there and go, “Morgan, put that shit back in the drawer, kid.” Give me a shot, guys. The accent is 👌
Sex and the City, if the city were Cranston, Rhode Island:
“As I wandered up and down the aisles of the Dollar Store, I couldn’t help but wonder, ‘Was I destined to forever be… a single?’”
Everything’s more expensive — from candy to heating oil. It’s time to sacrifice and put on a sweater.
Every episode of Succession is a rambling, redundant shitshow of actors trying to cleverly improv their way into a story. And I can’t stop watching. For the second time.
The MarketBasket customer will give “People of Wal-Mart” a run for their money. I feel out of place NOT having a ponytail and tattered twelve year-old Patriots AFC Champion t-shirt.
Everyone: Liberty Mutual’s advertising is the absolute worst of all time.
Liberty Mutual: Hold my fuzzy yellow ball.
Hey, @Oreo, if I see that you’re doing a recall because RFK Jr. let loose a plague of mice in your factory, I’m not going to be happy.
Sunday is National Cinnamon Roll Day. What’s everybody got planned? And I assume we’re all taking Monday off?
“Ladies and gentlemen, the flight crew has arrived and we’ll begin boarding first class in just a few minutes.” #furryinvasion
The BeeGees song, Fanny Be Tender With My Love also works as Love, Be Tender With My Fanny. I’m just saying.