‘The Boy I Am, The Man I Choose To Be’ Age measures time. Development measures capacity. A relational development workbook for boys, men & those who love them.
South Africa
Joined March 2013
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“I didn’t mean to hurt you” may be true, but intention does not erase impact. Repair begins when we develop the capacity to acknowledge another person’s experience without rushing to defend ourselves.
Chapter 12: Repair — What We Do After Harm.
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Real repair requires more than saying sorry. It requires acknowledgement, responsibility, curiosity, restitution where possible, and changed behaviour.
We must become willing to understand the harm we caused, even when that understanding challenges how we see ourselves.
Repair continues in the choices we make afterwards: respecting boundaries, following through on commitments, and allowing trust to rebuild at its own pace.
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Someone can provide genuine relief during a difficult season without necessarily being an appropriate person with whom to build an entire life.
Conflict is not necessarily evidence of a broken relationship.
Two people can have different needs, perspectives & experiences without either being the enemy.
But have we developed the capacity to disagree without compromising human dignity?
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Anger can communicate that something is wrong. It does not give us permission to be cruel.
Emotional regulation is not suppressing anger. It is developing the capacity to express it without causing unnecessary harm.
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Ch.11 explores conflict as a human capacity we intentionally develop. The goal isn’t victory, submission or avoiding difficult conversations. It’s clarity, accountability, safety & a workable next step
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Who are we becoming in the fight? 🇿🇦 South Africa, is it possible that we defend our society and develop our society at the same time?
What we are developing within ourselves as we fight?
Because we still have to coexist within the society we are fighting for.
A man who has never developed the capacity to identify, understand, communicate and regulate his emotions is more vulnerable to having those emotions organised FOR him by external authorities.
It benefits the system for men to be emotionally illiterate.
We think our anger, entitlement & violence are caused by other people’s behaviour.
But we are responsible for our own choices. Healthy love, communication, accountability & conflict resolution are skills we learn, practise and use to reject violence.
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Understanding developmental gaps does not excuse harmful behaviour. Accountability asks us to own our actions. Development equips us to change.
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GBVF prevention requires more than teaching people to protect themselves. We must examine the capacities our families, schools & communities cultivate.
What relational skill was modelled least consistently for you growing up?
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