Bit French, bit English. Research academic. Talks about OCD, schizoaffective disorder, PPIE and dogs. Structurally unsound. Scared of hippos.
UK
Joined November 2011
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It can be really difficult to be honest about suicidal thoughts without fear of a) being admitted or referred to the crisis team or b) scaring family or friends
I am so worried that tomorrow’s appointment will turn into a “We can se you’re struggling Lottie, but we need to give the clozapine another couple of months to stabilise now you’re in range” and that nothing will change.
On our way home from a five day trip with 32 Girlguides. It was great fun, sometimes tricky, and utterly knackering. Seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow with my new care-co and trying not to think about it.
Tomorrow morning (ridiculously early) I am off abroad with 32 Guides and Rangers (not on my own, thankfully). Very excited but oh my gosh my anxiety is through the roof.
The other research fellow brought chocolate to celebrate my return to the office, if I’d know there was a promise of chocolate, I’d have returned weeks ago 😂😂
Anxiety through the roof and feeling a bit tearful. Off to the office I go… diazepam on board and a cheerful playlist on my phone.
Cold a lot better today. Went to Mass which was nice and I even stuck around after for tea. Then a friend dropped around with soup because she knew I hadn’t been well. Back in the office tomorrow for the first time since June and utterly terrified.
GP feels I should push for maintenance ECT as it was so effective. I see psych on 27th and v worried I will be told to keep doing everything I am doing and review in a few months. I can’t keep going like this.
Fab GP was predictably excellent. We talked through what she calls my paranoid thoughts, she remarked that I seem brighter (I do), she persuaded me not to discharge myself from CMHT, and gave me the go ahead for my trip away with Guides. So kind and the only person I can trust.
Another rubbish night of feeling poorly. GP appointment this morning then back to bed with tea and maybe some cake…
Terrible night, high fevers and no sleep. Feeling much better this morning but got almost no sleep. Luckily one of my brothers was also awake at 3am for chats.
Charlotte aux Fraises retweeted
Have had a lot of psychology around being able to ask for help because I’m awful at it.
Today I was told by CMHT that I’ve had quite a bit of contact recently and they didn’t want me to become reliant. (No contact was initiated by me.)
Revert to type then.
If I didn’t know the ethos of many psych services, I’d take this personally and be upset. However, it’s often just par for the course, so just 🤷♀️.
I had a dream that I lost my mum again (she died five years ago) and am feeling very wobbly this morning.
Two utterly knackering days (and it’s not over… six year old now opening her presents). Staying with family tonight then heading home in the morning. Feeling v anxious about work this week and going into ghe office on Thurs. Now, however, it’s time for more cake.
I have a mad weekend so taking it slowly this morning. Tomorrow it will take a bus and three trains to get to my bestie’s 6th birthday party rather than the usual easy trip. Unfortunately I don’t get back from Guides’ trip until after 11pm tonight so can’t go today… 😱😱
Why have we not invented teleportation yet? I need to go to the gym but the journey just feels like too much. Two buses each way and a long walk. Please send motivation.
Utter chaos in cloz clinic as per usual… they took my bloods and now the system is down and they won’t give me my meds… just waiting for care-co on the hope that my meds will be ready when we finish.
On my way to clozapine clinic. Very stressed out. Last time there were two phlebotomists, one new who was taking the bloods and one I know v well fiddling around with the machines. Do you think it would be out of order to ask for him to take my bloods if he’s there?