Mike Hammer

Why wear a Halloween costume? Just show up without your Instagram filter.

You think gas prices are high? Try getting a poster framed at Michaels.

Imagine being offended by a comedian you didn’t watch talking about a gym you don’t go to.

Super Bowl in Spanish… relax. Most of us didn’t understand the halftime show when it was in English either.

If I’m your emergency contact, you should probably have a backup emergency contact.

Due to SNAP benefits being cut, it’s nice to see Americans still coming together to hand out free food one fun-size bar at a time #HappyHalloween

Six hours and thirty-nine minutes. That’s not a baseball game, that’s a Vegas residency.

Bad Bunny’s performing at the Super Bowl. If you don’t know who he is, don’t worry you’ve got time to learn Spanish.

Do I think Tylenol causes autism? Probably not. But I’m not listening to the same people who wore masks alone in the car… and lined up on grocery store X’s like it was Covid hopscotch.

Yesterday it was “I canceled Disney forever.” Today it’s “Hey, what’s my Disney+ password again?”

I don’t care about the new logo, I’m more offended they kept the word CRACKER.

Magic Live is in town. 1600 magicians here to talk about themselves nonstop.

It’s called a birthday, not a birth-month. You’re not a zodiac sign, you don’t get 30 days.

A week ago, eggs were a financial decision. Today, they’re part of a scavenger hunt.

I’m so disconnected from WrestleMania, I had to ask if it already happened or if we’re still pretending it’s real.

I unsubscribe from your emails. Then you email me to confirm I’ve unsubscribed. Not sure you fully grasp how unsubscribing works.

Katy Perry’s space trip was so quick, by the time she got back, Elon had already fathered two more kids.

The last time we got into it with China, a bat sneezed and shut down half the planet.

I offer the kind of emotional support that makes you wish you hadn’t said anything.

Is it time to start hoarding toilet paper again?