My sandwich has seen things.

Trying to write a ballad about a saint of a guy named Jethro. Unfortunately, the only rhyme I got so far is death row.

In terms of a bucket list, I can cross "running a marathon" off of it now. No chance I was gonna do that at my age, anyway.

Alternative ending for Cast Away: Chuck Noland goes to Bakersfield to thank the manufacturer of the port-a-potty. "You saved my life."

I entered my dog in an "ugliest dog" contest. And I won! My dog came in third.

John Candy is a really bad euphemism for a urinal cake.

I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over my next-door neighbor's fence and get it for you.

Most people don’t know this, but, David Bowie wrote Changes, while freezing in his cold flat.

I was going to tell you an elbow joke. But then I realized it wasn't really humerus.

Denial, Acceptance, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, Saturday, Sunday

Used to have a coworker who pronounced it scenARRio. And the word "forward"? He'd say FOH-word.

Working in Maryland, I was surprised to answer a call from a Florida County. It was calling to tell me about the mosquito problem today. Luckily, I was able to choose "2" to unsubscribe. Yes. The land line.

Yep, all my Google searches these days begin with -AI, Only then can I be sure the answer is closer to real and not imagined.

I grew up the son of a preacher man. When I was seven, I discovered my father‘s car was unlocked. About half an hour before we were ready to head home, I would go out there and turn on all the bells and switches I could find. The first time I did it he was so surprised.

Hitchhikers believe in the rule of thumb.

Caught my grandma making Itching Powder one day. When I asked her for the recipe, she said, "There isn't one. I make it from scratch."

The other day Youtube tried, "without YOU we'd just be Tube." I thought about other possibilities, like: "without C&C we'd just be the music factory." "without Katrina, we'd just be the waves."

Breaking news: Amish people watch corn.

I’m “SWM seeks SWF” years old.

Initially, Rudolph refused to play the reindeer games because he didn't like to gambol with his life.

I've been getting more spam calls and texts lately. So I've gone back to my "standard" reply. "You've reached 102.3 FM request line. What song can we play for you today?" The call I got was from a funerary place. They hung up fast!