Professional lion tamer. Oh no, wait- just a parent of a toddler.
Canada
Joined October 2015
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- Following300
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Apparently a Parent retweeted
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn't want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Apparently a Parent retweeted
If they wrote realistic children's books, the answer to "Guess how much I love you?" would be, "Enough to let you wipe your snot on me."
Apparently a Parent retweeted
The trick to getting your kids to sleep through the night is:
AHAHAHAHAHA
That's funny. Sorry, you're never sleeping again. Get over it.
Apparently a Parent retweeted
@parentapparent "Some potatoes are destined for gratin. Others face reclamation..." – at South East, England
Apparently a Parent retweeted
If you didn't win the Powerball tonight don't be sad. You're still old enough to buy any cereal you want so you've already won.
Apparently a Parent retweeted
#ModernFairyTale Cinderella and the prince separate after two weeks over her insistence that they co-sleep with her rodent children.
Apparently a Parent retweeted
It's 2 AM. I can't sleep. I should wake up a parent and tell them.
- kids
Apparently a Parent retweeted
You don't have to tell me to calm down. My toddler is naked and eating ketchup for dinner, so I'm past the point of caring about anything.
Apparently a Parent retweeted
New test: replace the word "Muslims" with "Jews" and then ask yourself "Do I sound like a fucking Nazi?" – at Queens, NY
Apparently a Parent retweeted
1day I'll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Apparently a Parent retweeted
A Toddler Haiku:
Where is my blue cup?
The cup you gave me is green.
Prepare for tantrum.
Apparently a Parent retweeted
"I don't care how much you claim to love me and have sacrificed for me, you break my banana, you're dead to me."
-every toddler ever
Apparently a Parent retweeted
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to "do it herself."
Three hours later, I'm still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Apparently a Parent retweeted
Perhaps I'm a bit loco because although my kid slept 8 hrs last night I was up all night paranoid the monitor was broken #momlife
Apparently a Parent retweeted
Before you have kids is the time for crazy things.
Like drinking a cup of still warm coffee. Pooping alone. Or getting to work on time.
