authentic pizza goblin

Happiness is for rich people and idiots.

Goddamn do I love it when they solve the final puzzle on Wheel of Fortune.

I’m so tired of hot honey.

I want to be in charge of Food Network props. Making all those lil cans and bottles generic. It’d be so good.

If someone told me they had a recording of me for an hour inside my house talking to my cats and if I don’t let them release it, I’ll be killed… I guess I’ll see all you sweet pals in hell because that shit ain’t happening.

I am so fucking glad that not only did HACKS win last night BUT - even MORE importantly, THE BEAR lost. 🥹

I might need to work on my mental health.

My love language is calling to tell you about a clue on Jeopardy that no contestant answered correctly that I knew you would have gotten.

My Uber driver just skipped an Aaliyah song and I’m furious.

It’s crazy to me that there was a time in our lives where the only emails we got were ones we actually wanted.

Does anyone have an especially *random* song that is so tied to a moment in their lives they’ll never be able to escape? Mine is “Beating Heart Baby” by Head Automática.

My favorite actors are Bob Odenkirk and Alan Tudyk rn

Guys. I’ve watched it. I’ll keep watching. But The Bear isn’t as good to me as everyone thinks it is. I’m so sorry.

Crazy to think about how many date rapists you knew in high school turned into “Proud Girl Dads.”

The fun thing about being mentally ill and having an autoimmune disease is that each specialist bounces you back and forth to the other to try to fix things until you die. 🙃

My life is like 30% doing it for the bit and 70% people thinking I’m doing it for a bit.

If I were a contestant on Jeopardy and the “RHYME TIME” category popped up on my show I would simply run off the stage in tears.

All I want for myself this summer is to try Dr. Pepper Zero Creamy Coconut.