Peach Grenade

I lost all my contacts when I got a new phone so I'm back to wearing glasses

🎶 if I said you had a beautiful body would you file a sexual harassment claim against me 🎶

I hope he doesn't get dysentery RT @CNN: John Kasich hits the Oregon campaign trail

When you saw only one set of footprints, that is when I carried you, just to mess up your fitbit steps.

It's called foreplay because you have to yell "FORE!!" if your balls get too close to your partner

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

Bleaches #GuyFieriMovies

A king-size Kit Kat has 8 sticks, just enough to spell out "FAT"

Sometimes I stare at the person in the car next to me & think "wait this is how I had my last wreck"

I call my wife's boobs the Golden Globes because I only see them once a year

Wishes do come true! Just threw a penny in a fountain & wished to be one cent poorer

Kids today are lucky because they can listen to their music anywhere. When I was their age I was deaf

Look I'm sorry I cheated on you 17 times & I got this bumper sticker to prove it

As a men's rights activist I'm torn because I hate the chick in Force Awakens but I need her action figure to complete my collection

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is basically my life story because I was once beaten up on a playground

Good news: haven't broken my resolution Bad news: my resolution was to touch a boob Worse news: I wrote this resolution 14 years ago

My dentist must think I'm stupid because he just tried to sell me a bridge

"A good magician never reveals his secret," I replied when the cop asked me why I was driving a stolen car