Röykh

You need a companion for late-night snacks 🍪 right, @roykh_exe?

What was your first phone ever? 📸: @roykh_exe

I’m not sure if it’s okay to write about personal stuff here, but I feel like I need to let it out — even though I’m a bit scared to do it. Where I’m from, people just don’t talk about their feelings. You’re expected to keep everything to yourself because of this messed up mentality. But it’s been eating me up from the inside. I feel worse and worse, and I just want to let my emotions out. Over the past few years, I haven’t been feeling well, and most of it comes from this constant sense of loneliness. Since high school, I started to realize how alone I really was. It’s so hard to find people who share your interests here. I had to constantly adapt just to be around someone, to not be completely isolated. Most of the time, I feel like I have to act like someone else just to keep some sort of connection with people, just so they don’t push me away. But deep down, I know I don’t really matter to anyone. I’m usually the one reaching out, trying to start conversations, trying to invite people to do something — and yet I’m also the one no one ever invites anywhere. I just watch from the sidelines as others enjoy life, while I sit alone between the same four walls of my apartment. Lately, it’s been getting worse. A lot has piled up. I’ve lost people who raised me since I was a kid. I moved away from my hometown. I lost my job in the spring and still haven’t found a new one. In April, I became the victim of stalking, and that ended with me and my friend being falsely accused of something we didn’t do. It turned into a legal nightmare, and I had to hire a lawyer — which drained me financially. Now I live in a half-finished apartment without a kitchen, sleeping on a mattress on the floor (you can probably tell from some of my videos that there’s basically nothing here). Most of the time, I sleep just to escape my thoughts, and during the day, I just sit there feeling completely disconnected from life, hoping the day will pass as fast as possible. Honestly, I don’t know what I’d do without Panda — the only one I can be myself around, someone who shares my interests. I missed him so much during my recent trip. Speaking of the trip — for the first time in a long time, I felt some real happiness. There were people who helped me, who spent time with me, who made me feel like I belonged. They helped me get to Malmö and back. After that, they showed me around another city — the sights, the vibe… It felt amazing to just be in a group of people. I even drank for the first time in my life (and I don’t usually drink — I actually have an allergy). But at that moment, I felt like I was part of something. I felt included. The saddest part? I have zero chance of recreating that anytime soon. I was planning to go to a furry con in Moscow in May and maybe travel back to Europe by August to meet up with old friends and make new ones. But that dream’s on hold now. And even if I wanted to travel — my passport makes everything so much harder. While some people can just fill out a simple form and see the world, I have to collect a huge stack of documents just to prove that I’ll return to my “third-world” country and that I’m not going to stay illegally. It makes me feel like some kind of second- or third-class human being. I decided to write this because I just turned 27. And aside from Panda, I realized I don’t really have anyone by my side anymore. I spent my birthday sitting at home, playing DOTA 2 all day. I couldn’t go anywhere or visit my parents in my hometown — money’s tight.

Unexpected move from B. What Night gonna do? 👀

If you didn’t know — raccoons are great at blending into their surroundings. But there’s a risk: during a stealth mission, they might get distracted and start playing with everything around them 📸: @nghtwlfy #SqueakySaturday