matt

the first time my ex saw me naked she said: what is that? some sort of penis?

my new pickup line is i'm not very good at this, i'm full of the unmarketable kind of awkwardness that ends with 'please go'

there's no point to even wearing a chastity cage because my cock is so unthreatening. read that again

when i was in high school i used to get really stoned before hanging out with my girlfriend so that i'd have an excuse for my dick not working

have gay sex with me, i must be dreaming

everyone has a soulmate. even me. even though i got some fucked up shit going on

i'm only 5'10 but in heels i get a huge boner

if i had a girlfriend i'd have her tell people i'm 6'5

i finally figured out how to get a girlfriend. i got a jug of water to keep in my bathroom and when a girl i like comes over i'll pretend to go pee, but actually dump gallons of water into the toilet so she thinks i have a big penis

being extremely performative in a cafe but i'm ugly so it's not working

can i still be straight if the thought of her making it clap makes me wince

jesus christ i either can't get hard or i cum in a millisecond. kind of a damned if you do damned if you don't situation

when i get a boner from looking at or thinking about a woman, i immediately call my boyfriend so we can have sex, and it's not gay because the boner is incidental rather than causally related

i'm a repressed homosexual which basically means if you're a woman and you make my penis move i can't let go of you forever

the truth is i tried being gay but no one wanted to give me any dick so i came back to being straight

growing up means you take your own phone away

if i had a girlfriend she could yell 'he's in no shape to go anywhere!' and rest her hand on my feverish forehead when my boss asks me to come into work

my new pickup line is given the way my life has turned out i deserve a medal for not sticking the business end of a 12 gauge shotgun in my mouth

if you have sex with me i'll become normal

i would think that if i were good at something i would know it by now