Every since my childhood of what I can remember I never every gave myself credit(attribute myself) for anything I achieved. This led to me never working hard to achieve anything, I never took decisions, never tried to test my limits. Some how I always used to live with a day to day limit that I have to just survive the next day. If there used to be any competition it used to be for the team that I won. If it was any exam it was out of fear of being left behind that I studied. It was never fulfilling myself that hey I deserve that prize that certificate that grade or whatever. My equation of self was never present to what I can recall. And for most part of it I believe I was concious about it and had made mechanisms to perform regardless. But I always knew I never felt satisfied for anything because I never did it for myself. I never knew how to work hard for anything how to chase anything how give time to stuff and be patient. I was (am) the hyper one who has to directly jump into stuff. Detaching yourself from the goal or prize is very easy way of living but it isn't worthwhile. I used to enjoy the journey a lot but never celebrated any win or felt bad about any loss. It grew into me like a habit like a safety mechanism. But lately by mid of 2024 I had gotten very aware about this habit and knew i had to resolve it else it is gonna just eat me up someday. But I was just more aware and still in my habit of doing the same. But somehow luckily by end of 24 something changed. I was for the first time able to see myself from eyes of someone who actually(it felt like) believed in me and hence I started attributing everything to them. But again that way I grew exponentially and took harder bets and most of them came out right. Worked harder and just somehow grew myself out of a lot of stuff I had faced growing up. I have been a victim of bullying every since I was 3 then even cyber bullying while in school and some other issues as well growing up and trust me it affects you in ways you you never imagine. But finally when I could sense that there are people who actually value my presence in their life and some believe in me so delusionally, that I could borrow that lens and see myself in the mirror. Slowly slowly I paved the way and unlearned everything I knew, every rule that was imposed by parents society or school. I grew out of all that in 2025 I said fck you to anything that became a hurdle in my life. I still feared that something isn't right, I must have gotten lucky with my bets etc. Atp I was in total denial of anything I had achieved in first quarter of '25. And hence forth I could see it all crash again because I never attributed anything to myself. It was a borrowed lens, it was broken I could see the world shatter again. It did crumble I would say in the most destructive ways the higher you rise the heavier is the fall. I could see everything that made me happy for the first time crumble infornt or me one by one & I could just witness. But it was so familiar. I had anticapted it because I knew it was all a borrowed vision never something I did for myself. So I didn't try to save it I just accepted or maybe I was weak enough to not even attempt to save it because I knew it had to fail and I don't want to add another failure of trying to save something that has to fail. Months passed I had gone numb and one fine day I looked back & saw what I have done was something my younger self would be so proud of. I slowly slowly picked up the lens again saw the world once for the last time. Slowly slowly good things happened again & I had no one to attribute to no one to perform for. But i still did it well and made myself proud. In those moments I realised what all I had missed in my childhood. What it feels like working for something and failing or succeeding in it and owning it. The impostor syndrome finally took a back seat and the real Om finally for the first time came out and demanded what was his :)