Slutographer

The DJ held the door for me tonight. So I blew him.

If you're a family member and set a date for an important occasion without consulting me, don't be pissed off when I say I can't come.

Sure, give a flowergirl candy 2hrs before the wedding. Running & squeeling in the chapel mid ceremony is adorable! #noonesstopingher

Happy 9/11!!!

Let's look at the stats as to how many people die from ALS as to how many die from not having clean drinking water. #stopwastingwater

Bride wants to know if we got "good pics" of her. How do you take a good picture of someone whose boobs touch their chin? #noneck

I leave my images sitting on CF cards for at least a month before editing in the hope they'll get better the longer they age. Like wine.

Kind of sad that a photographer would use their OWN wedding as a marketing tool. Nothing is sacred. @Sandypuc

So whatever happened to Chenin Boutwell?

That moment when the bride comes in with a bunch of cheesy pinterest photos as inspiration, which aren't remotely like any of your work.

"So excited to announce my tour".... Your a fucking photographer. Not Springsteen. Get over yourself.

@BorrowBluBitch This makes me smile.

You're having a baby? Congratulations. Oh, and there goes your business.

He's here? How do I fastrack him taking me from behind? RT @danesanders: I'm at Chicago Midway International Airport (MDW) (Chicago, IL)

If the only people you hang out with are photographers - you're not "cool". You're actually boring and kinda pathetic. #getareallife

And what's this? Your bridesmaids are also in the 200+ club? Boy, my day just gets better and better!

Oh so you're 240lbs and wearing a strapless dress? That sure sounds like a joy to photograph!

Ladies: Photoshop will not make you skinny. You know what will? Diet and exercise.

Yes, I admit your images aren't as good as the work I did for your friend - but in all fairness you're not attractive. She is.

@FundySoftware Not yet. I've been too busy giving BJ's in the parking garage next to my workplace. But I will get onto it tonight!