Paolo

Me getting a lobotomy: just a little off the top pls

At the radioshack getting some radiohead

Do you guys think they talked in that voice too?

Clear my schedule… got stuck in Chinese finger trap once again

If hating talk show host was a job

Wife won’t let me name our son Milk

Millennials either have dogs they treat like kids or kids they treat like dogs

I don’t know how to explain it but the way straight women act around gay men is the female equivalent to how white dudes from the suburbs act around black dudes

Her: what are your thoughts on the 1% Me: I don’t really know that much about milk

*talking to cashier at canes*: so do u come up with the rhymes urself or do they tell u to say them?

Whoever thought of the charmin bears was sick in the fucking head

Plot of every 2000’s sitcom that lasted 10 seasons: let’s see if our main character’s feeling for his crush (who is also one of his closest friends) return in time for her be single (this is the 13th cycle of this process)

When I clean the smudges off my glasses, I imagine that I’m a gecko cleaning its eyes with its tongue

I do not give Ellen Musk permission to take my dna

Me getting escorted by security to solitary confinement at the psych ward after convincing the 6’6”, 250 lb schizophrenic man that the nurses were the government agents gang stalking him

Every time I find out that a woman I know is trans, I raid her purse for estrogen pills to slip in the homie’s drinks 💯

Instead of senior superlatives like “most likely to succeed” or “class clown”, they should do ones like “most likely to die before 30”, “most likely to end up in an abusive relationship”, “most likely to be incarcerated”

Going to the graduate women in STEM club and interrupting everyone

Cardi B needs a bigger platform she does not get nearly enough attention

Spongebob single-handedly made an entire generation stupid

Instead of saying “sis” or “girl” gay dudes should start saying cuh