Tracey Miller

For the past few months, we’ve been told by people with a crystal ball that an attack on UK soil was imminent, and now it’s finally happened. There was an incident at RAF Fairford last night that resulted in 85 homes being evacuated. The media would like you to know this incident was terrifying. So terrifying, in fact, that you should probably get ready for war. This is an emerging story, but here’s what I’ve managed to piece together so far. Given the media seems to be making this up as it goes along, some of the details are probably gonna change. Needless to say, they have plot holes to fill… A farmer was driving home in the early hours of the morning and she noticed three white vans blocking the road. No one was inside them. She turned around and spotted a bunch of Middle Eastern-looking boys running off into the woods. Those woods were incredibly dark, but thankfully, she has the eyes of an owl. She was able to work out their ethnicity through the shadow of the trees, despite the fact they were wearing masks. She called an emergency line that locals had been given for just such a scenario, but no one could be bothered to answer. She called 999 and police came out within ten minutes of her call. When they arrived, they said they’d first been notified nearly an hour ago, but hadn’t bothered doing anything. There were no routine security patrols around the base either. It’s basically the sloppiest security effort since Netanyahu gave standdown orders on October 7. Luckily for the police, those Middle-Eastern-looking boys were still hanging around 25 minutes later and were arrested under the Explosives Act. We are told the vans had been driving around the base for hours before they parked up. It’s like they were making their arrival as visible as possible and then they just waited around to be caught. Either it was deliberate or they were just as useless as base security. Somehow it gets even worse. The vans were parked just six metres from houses, and the company names and telephone numbers on them were fake. Yet it took police around five hours to give evacuation orders. Maybe they knew the vans weren’t a threat, or maybe they’re staggeringly incompetent. I guess it could be both. Prior to the incident, the base was on its highest alert, and one local said they’d been stopped at gunpoint by Americans. If you didn’t know, this is an American base on our soil, or a “fort” as Trump called it. The US president was giving interviews about the incident shortly after it happened. He said “it worked out great”, which is an odd choice of words, don’t you think? Trump said the US had been investigating the suspects for a long time. Not sure if he meant “investigating” or actually meant “working with”. All I know is the British are insisting the arrests weren’t intelligence-led and that a farmer basically saved the country. We are now being told by the war-hungry media it was Iran, Iran, Iran… or maybe Russia, according to one news reader who mumbled something about this is why we need tactical nukes. Yelp. Now I’m still not clear what these “Iranians” were hoping to achieve. Park vans packed with explosives near a base and blow the whole thing up? Unless they had a nuke, best they’d achieve is damage to a few nearby houses and trees. If the Iranians wanted to pull this off, they would not hire a bunch of kids to drive in circles for hours around a base that’s on its highest alert and then hide in the woods until they were caught. They would quickly launch drones and disappear. It seems more likely this was a performance rather than a serious attack. Shortly after it happened, we had a news crew flying above Fairford in a helicopter, showing the location of B1 Stealth Bombers and other sensitive things. If there was a real threat, that’s the last thing they would allow. Now you have to ask yourself which parties would benefit from this. Israel needs us to join its war, the US needs to keep using Fairford to bomb Iran, and the UK needs to justify its involvement. Even though we attacked Iran first, they will probably spin it into something like this: “Iran is attacking the UK, even though we are a neutral party. Therefore we have no choice but to get involved”. This would be a terrible legal and moral argument, but it just needs to convince stupid people. We have to make sure stupid people are not taken in by this crap.