Magnus Turner MP

You never have a deadline when there's a good excuse for missing it, do you

Oh, calm down. It was a perfectly innocent slip of the kim jong un

Wonderful to see old man Blair back in the spotlight! Although I enjoyed him more when he was mocking Thatcher for back seat driving.

Just placed a bet on the date of my next birthday

Warmest wishes to @NatalieElphicke on what must have been a very difficult day. I promise it WILL get easier. My third defection was definitely the smoothest.

There is nothing wrong with my cognitive ability, but if you ask someone “who is the prime minister?” you should allow them to check their phone.

I’ve never used WhatsApp It sounds hideously complicated

No dolphins in the jungle, I suppose

Now Mr. Generic is outside the tent peeing in, I strongly urge the PM to outlaw tents.

Streeting's criticism that the government trades in "slogans, not solutions" is an excellent...er...

Leave it, Suella. He ain't worth it.

Hopefully, Cameron just left one of his kids in the Downing Street bathroom

I see he has another number one priority, then.

I have sent the Prime Minister a personal message of support and encouraged him to hold his nerve.

With immediate effect, I have resigned from my village social club over its clientele’s response to the Farage bank account matter

I think this is the day Mr. Khan won the argument. ULEZ has been proven beyond doubt to help the Prime Minister breath easier.

I'm not sure what you were expecting from a Jenerick Tory

Scurrilous rumours about me head butting the then future King. I was merely demonstrating a modernised form of bowing.

I regret supporting the police over those unnecessary arrests. This was due to a lack of intelligence.