the_real_burnouts

Was looking for a little company tonight so I tried the new “entertainment tonight” app. I was sorely disappointed

Remember when the biggest problem we faced as a nation is when puck put his finger in the peanut butter on the real world?

remember, you're only as old as other people think you look!!

“Your face is so ugly that your memory foam pillow killed itself.”

Just watched the rover land on Mars. I could have done the exact same fucking thing with a Mountain Dew and a PS3 controller

The line for early voting was shorter than the covid testing line. #america #winning

Thanks to the mandatory mask thing, no one has noticed that I haven’t showered in weeks

Working on a video project. Does anyone have a flight of stairs I can fall down?

Like a tramp stamp on spongebob squarepants..

I wonder if when they have protests in China they say “go to America if you want democracy!!”

“... but that’s only 0.00000000012% of the total population, the asteroid wiped out almost ALL life on earth!!”

When you just want to throw your whole life away but only have one small blue bag...

I was disappointed to learn that “Mello Yello” doesn’t actually taste like urine today

I bet my sweet bippy and I lost everything.

Janitors always have a bucket list

I only have one speed. But there is an on and off switch.

I always dug skulls. I mean I dig them. Ah, you know what I mean...

Tried to self diagnose myself on webMD, turns out I’ve been dead for three years

I want to be buried in a pretzel casket just in case I’m not dead