Spoiler alert: we all die fat failures.

A fun thing about being 53 is that my pisses now have an Act Two.

Goodbye, Dolly

A freight train derailed last night in Worcester, Mass. Police are on the lookout for Doctah Richid Kimball.

And now for the national anthem of Switzerland. “We’re staying out of it / we just don’t care / We have no opinion / it’s not our affair / Big banks and chocolate are things that we love / Switzerland Switzerland we rise above…”

Another day trying to evit the inevitable.

Join me and the writers of Family Guy for live chats and Hulu watch parties on the ChatBCC app! You’ll get lots of behind the scenes stuff (like Seth now hates Bird is the Word) Come on over! apps.apple.com/app/id6740636…

I retract my World Cup snark. I’m all in. It’s fantastic. #tartanarmy #boston

Nothing gets Americans more fired up than a nil-nil match between two countries they couldn’t point out on a map.

Entrées at the Nazi dinner party were just following hors d’oeuvres.

Just bought a few pastas. Some serious. Fusilli.

Beethoven: Für Elise. Elise: Für me? Danke! Beethoven: Was?

It’s happening. I’m writing a book.

How did “nonetheless” get to be all together like that? Seems unfair.

F.D.R. J.F.K. R.F.K. M.L.K. Folks, from the flight deck, we’ve started our initial descent…

We’re going again tonight at 8pm eastern! Come chat with the writers!

Watch him try to blame the Scrubs reboot on Biden.

Anyone else’s iPhone being a total asshole lately?