Hunter Nelson

Mind blowing excerpt from top secret Subway training vid, can’t say how I got it, don’t ask

Welcome to Three Kinds of Amnesia Bakery. My brother here has 50 First Dates amnesia, and my sister in the back has classic soap opera amnesia. I have Memento style amnesia and a gut level sense of our joint predicament. I also remember that our bread is great. What can I get ya?

The worst time I got betrayed was when I got my Dad into Pavement and played him Silver Jews and he said “that’s the same guy singing right? That’s Steve” and I said “no that’s David singing” and my Dad said “no that’s definitely Steve singing” and then David sang “I am Steve.”

Last season of White Lotus really seemed like it was supposed to have Chucky in it… every character they introduced only made sense as someone who is going to meet Chucky later

I am very serious about getting spotters at the gym - one time I got my windpipe crushed pretty bad by a barbell - another time I couldn’t find someone to hold my feet for sit-ups and my skeleton sat up without me

I have been trying to log in to the parent portal since 6 AM. My child is supposed to get his bullies today.

God hypnotize my enemies. God your hypnotism skills are without equal and I ask you to use them against my enemies- may every man who opposes me or my family stand hypnotized in the light of your enormous watch.

Really any self deprecating comment is enhanced by grabbing one’s belly with both hands and shaking it. It’s not just the obvious ones.

What if you could grow something other than older taller fatter or stronger? Well that’s the premise of my film The Boy Who Grew Gwimb now showing in specially equipped theaters

Death the great equalizer, Death the relentless pursuer, Death the voracious peeper

I have identified 25 parts of the body besides the mouth that can go shh. Lovers of quiet movie theaters from all over this world have adopted my BodyShushes and so can you. Ask your local cinema’s box office for the phone number of the BodyShushes man (it’s in their email)

employees BEGGED me to install a clawfoot tub so they could take “work baths” to “boost morale.” Now we’re three months in, I am the ONLY one who has used it (to troubleshoot splish splash), and the only change in morale is now THEY all know their BOSS took a BATH at WORK.

My screenplay “Screenplay Eaters” is about this guy who has to keep monsters from eating the screenplay for “Screenplay Eaters.” And you think “he must win since I’m watching ‘Screenplay Eaters.’” I won’t reveal the twist (hint: the monsters wrote a screenplay with the same name)

Really enjoyed my tour of the Muppet factory this morning…. Most interesting part by far was the big vat that said “dip muppet in this vat to make it 1 sicker”

I do have an interior monologue but the only things in it are “uh oh time to start talking I think” and “probably best to keep quiet now”

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, over the last few days, I’ve tried to prove to you that that man over there is a cold hearted criminal. And I have consistently referred to those crimes as “antics,” which I regret. They were not antics at all, they were murders. Grizzly murders.

making our struggle public - For years now, we here at baskin & robbins have been BEGGING to have JUST ONE baskin & robbins/dunkin donuts that is more baskin than dunkin. It ALWAYS skews dunkin - LARGE dunkin SMALL baskin. give us ONE mostly baskin baskin dunkin. -BR ldrshp grp

Sheesh Just lost another patient to, you guessed it, surgery I just want my life to go to normal - I want it to stop being doctor and go back to normal. At this point I can honestly count on one hand how much I like being a doctor. Alright back to it I guess….

Now that I am out of the professional poker playing world, I can reveal that my main move for keeping my opponents on their heels was implying that the way they were betting was porn brained.