I likes make a monkey pants.
Naptown, Indiana
Joined March 2012
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“In a recent double-blind clinical trial, a leading independent laboratory found Troiconol over 98% effective in preventing flare-ups, and called Troiconol ‘hard skag’ that you ‘shouldn’t fuck around with if it’s your first rodeo.’”
“Don’t take Troiconol if you’re allergic to any of its ingredients, or to the prospect of burning through your life savings and the goodwill of everyone who ever cared about you chasing that ever-more-elusive taste of honey you got with your first sweet, sweet dose of Troiconol.”
“Troiconol can have serious, or even fatal, side effects. Don’t take Troiconol if you have a existing heart condition, or because taking fistfuls of Troiconol to induce renal failure is the latest social media challenge, and you just gots to be hip.”
“Don’t take Troiconol if you’re pregnant or planning to become pregnant, because eww, and don’t take Troiconol if you’re taking an MAOI inhibitor, because Troiconol will fuck your shit up good, and don’t say Braef-Merten didn’t warn you.”
Knave: Somebody took a dump on your dad’s grave?
Baron: Yeah. Again.
Knave: Don’t those skinhead and Klan guys watch it? I thought it’s a holy site to them, or something.
Baron: They might’ve been doing their changing of the guard, with all the “Sieg Heils” and crap.
Knave: Sad!
Ting tang. Walla walla bing bang. Who got the hooch? YOU DO. Judge Bork has braised Joe Flaco's muffin; now he is the boss. Titanic makes sinky-sinks. Elfin collaborators stew your raisins. You are biscuit-safe. You want to watch them mate. You are Murph-tastic.
“Pilots in the same area reported periods of IMC accompanied by light to moderate rime icing, but the NTSB could not rule out the possibility that the pilot of Romeo Lima One-Five simply had manure where his brains should be, and screwed the pooch for some other, dumbass reason.”
Benny’s story that the pallet of DVDs had “fallen off the back of a truck” didn’t fly, but it ultimately didn’t matter whether the jury believed his testimony that he intended to watch all 120 copies of “Turk 182,” because the state couldn’t prove he intended to traffic them.
Murph now knew only too well where his briquette swallowing trick was headed; notwithstanding what he was told by his childhood friend Skeeter—right about so many things, but not this—a belly button does not exist to provide the kind of direct service access Murph had banked on.
Klaatu barada nikto. Uncle Billy is burning down the house. Your house. In the middle of your street. Judge Bork is dans la merde; he has faked the funk on a nasty dunk. You are pant-ready; your new formula is DiCaprio-activated and glamping-friendly. You are Biggie-Sizor.
• Turn It Up — Elton John, “Step Into
Christmas”
• Turn It Off — Wham, “Last
Christmas”
• Kick Radio Like Bryan Adams In
“This Time” Video — Paul
McCartney, “Wonderful
Christmastime”
“'Then he went and ate up all of my corn'?” exclaimed Jeffers, addressing the elephant in the room. “What the hell kind of ship is this? No, seriously — what the hell are they even doing out there?”
Mansplainer’s Guide to Rock & Roll (Vol. 1): “Now, who uses flutes? Jazz guys. Jazz guys use flutes. So Jimmy Gilmer’s like, ‘We got that rock shit, like Bottle of Wine; let’s mix in this jazz stuff.’ And this is years before anyone was talking about ‘fusion,’ like Miles Davis.”
Bad product idea: Arlo Guthrie GPS app. “You might wanna turn left at the light. I mean, maybe you don’t. Maybe you think turning left’s not where it’s at. But it ain’t that far-out, man, cuz maybe you want to get to your destination. But now you gotta reroute. Can you dig that?”
Unfortunately, Burt was no longer ambulatory—Frankie Balls having not been interested in either Burt’s excuses or his rare Funtymes Tony Kiritsis Action Playset, in Very Fine condition with original box, instructions, and sticker sheet—after the Sixers failed to cover the spread.
While “I Love You (But I Ain’t Stupid)” was where most pop fans first heard the name Stitch Jones, it was Jones’s sprawling full-length follow-up, “Welcome to Sanity Disco,” that left even his most vocal critics to admit that they’d left brunch with underpants full of shame.
They always put the fresheners in the room. Vine tendons are secretly used by men for men. The tendrils give a secret of the herd for men, a secret of the autumn for men’s ladies. Tendrils give signs of hassles to men. Give evidence of the taint for men. The tendrils prevailed.
''Tell your doctor right away if you experience depression or suicidal thoughts, or listen to your Julien Baker records, Joy Division, or “that one really sad Radiohead song” over and over again, as these are possible side effects of using Flemerin.''