I don’t start my Christmas shopping until the Virgin Mary’s water breaks.

Ring the phone once when you get home. Your mother and I worry.

This hits hard, man. Real hard.

First date idea: you go the Pumpkin Patch. I’ll meet you after. You can tell me about it but keep it short.

Health tip: if your teeth are having trouble chewing it imagine how your colon will react.

You can’t just take away a man’s Barbie toothpaste.

I’ve been listening to Dido like she’s going out of style.

“If you were corrupt I’d be your whistleblower.” Me, writing a new song.

America. Am I right?

How do you not have coasters?

What base is this?

Fifty bucks says the Smails kid picks his nose.

I’m in New York. Should I check out Kelly Clarkson’s wall bird?

Thought I’d try my own: Eagle eyes only. Can you spot the ONE thing that doesn’t belong in 1621? Look closely…it’s hiding in plain sight.

Recently, I hosted one of those murder mystery dinners but instead of one guest being murdered and everyone else figuring out who did it every guest was murdered immediately upon arrival and had to spend the whole night dead then go home. That was a good night.

Was it the Constitution?

The guy who developed the witch’s tit baseline for cold temperatures knew what was what.