breaking: wackadoodle piece finally finds loving home with brilliant mag edited by author's favorite contemporary author this is the highest achievement of my writing career thank you so much

reminding my girlfriend every night that the scary water noise above us that lasts 15 minutes is our upstairs neighbor taking a shower

from now on i ONLY want to hear news about people liking me.

i follow a guy on tiktok who's built like me and kinda has my same style goin on but he's suuuuper good at juggling and women throw themselves at him and while i am decidedly a fan of him i am also his biggest hater inside. i am the salieri to his mozart in my mind

i think if i could hug a very gentle horse i would feel better

thought i was going to have one of my tony soprano pass out and donk my head panic attacks at work today but instead i ducked out 15 minutes early and had a good ol fashioned car scream

i need to fix my entire life today. again

the world we are living in

i know it's like a given and we all hate it but it still fucks me up sometimes that i'm just an animal with instincts and motivations like any other but i have to go to work until i die for some reason just because my parents thought having babies would be nice back in the 90s

made kitsune soba for dinn. i made too much who's coming over

this is my vent art about leaving my phone charger in the car last night

im a man of almost 30 but sometimes i wish i lived with my sister even though she is married and all that because i Miss Her and i miss barging into each others rooms to sit on the floor and talk about stuff and she SUCKS at answering my texts she just sends me instagram reels !!

#nw Pumpkinhead (1988)

peaches are NOT overrated. have you ever had a fresh hot grilled peach with vanilla ice cream for dessert out on the porch after grillin out with the family. it's like a thousand warm hugs. it's like hearing every teacher you've ever had say "i'm proud of you" at the same time

my bedtime stories to my girlfriend: a guy discovers a new flavor, our dog goes on a big adventure, etc my girlfriend's bedtime stories to me: three little pigs bring their firearms to a new york deli for roast beef sandwiches because they live in terror of becoming mortadella

buddy has taken to eating his bones in my office. that's where he goes to do his important work just like daddy

today i witnessed a guy holding his phone on speaker in public as his girlfriend unintelligibly screamed and sobbed at him and then as he approached me he said to her "hang on my phone's tweakin" and hit the end call button right in front of me. her name in his phone was "crazy"