My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday... said maybe they'll marry each other. Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

If ever you get addicted to smoking seaweed the one thing you should do is Sea Kelp

What is a goal keepers favourite snack? Beans on post!

What do you call someone who chews all day? A train

My father suffers from short term memory loss. I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it

"Friends" ended 20 years ago this year, but thanks to television, "me having friends" ended long before that.

Why are there no penguins in Britain? They're scared of Wales

What did the rubber band factory worker say when he was fired? Oh snap!

A father asks his son, "Could you please stop listening to Korean music?" He replied, "K, pop"

I got sacked from my job at the Clock Factory. I just stood around making faces all day

I have invented a kitchen cleaner that kills 0.1% of bacteria. I plan to sell the secret to Dettol

What do you call it when two bottles of lotion start dating? A re-lotion-ship

How long does it take to get from Dorne to Meereen? It Varys

I'm not very good with DIY. A pile of books just fell on my head. I only have my shelf to blame

I accidentally changed neighbor to neighbour and now I'm saying stuff like "bloody hell" and "brilliant"