Sarah Welch

THANK YOU, CHANCELLOR. THANK YOU SO MUCH. 🇬🇧❤️ I’ve been reading today’s Budget and I’m considering cancelling my direct debits. Financial independence is finally within reach. 🥒 Cheaper gherkins, baked beans and chocolate. Potential savings of £21 a year - that’s 40p a week. I’ve already rewritten my will. My son gets the house, but the gherkin fortune is going into a trust fund. I’m not having the little bastard blow my life’s savings on cocaine and scratchcards. 🍬 Import tariffs scrapped on boiled sweets and toffees. Thank Christ. I’ve seen pensioners outside Aldi exchanging sexual favours for a bag of Werther’s Originals. 🍊 Cheaper marmalade. Excellent, ‘cos I’ve been spreading Vaseline on my toast since March. Paddington Bear’s probably knocking one out behind King’s Cross. 🧄 Cheaper garlic. Fantastic!! I’ve been buying it one clove at a time from a bloke behind Aldi. Last week he offered me three bulbs and a handjob for £20. 💷 Income Tax thresholds frozen until 2031. Absolutely beautiful. Earn a bit more, get dragged into paying more tax, then watch the Chancellor congratulate himself for helping working people. It’s the financial equivalent of being mugged, having your trousers stolen and being handed a 40p voucher for gherkins as compensation. 🍫 Cheaper chocolate-covered wafers. I’ve already ordered a reinforced safe, appointed three trustees and instructed my accountant to establish an offshore wafer portfolio in the Cayman Islands. Apparently, HMRC wants to know why I’ve declared a KitKat as a dependent. 🚌 Bus fares capped at £2. If my business ever collapses, I can now afford to travel to the Jobcentre and explain that I went bankrupt despite unprecedented savings on fucking marmalade. 💡 Gas standing charges being scrapped. Lovely news, until you find out the cost is being transferred to the price of the gas itself. That’s the financial equivalent of a burglar returning your television and charging you £45 to watch it. Anyhoo… the government calls some of these its FIVE EVERYDAY FIXES. I’ve calculated that if I save 40p every week, I could afford a second-hand Ford Fiesta in approximately 400 years…. Assuming nobody’s eaten the fucking gherkins.