Photo you take of yourself/your family: okay, that’s not bad, looking kinda cute in this one Photo the nice stranger offers to take of your family: GIANT ANGRY FLABBY MANATEE SHE BEAST WITH TWO DIFFERENT EYES

Who wants to place post-LASIK bets on how many days it will be until tired me decides it’s time to take out my contacts for the evening and gets all the way to squeezing one of my own bare eyeballs with my fingers before I remember that’s just how my eyes see now?

Post rain today, it no longer feels like I’m attempting to drink a campfire with eight straws the millisecond I walk outside, so that’s a little nice.

We cleaned and organized the shed for the first time since moving into this house. Time for a little middle age victory dance. (And by dance, I mean a sit in an Adirondack chair. With a beer. In a glass. Probably gonna be some sort of straining noise when we get back up.)

It’s so nice to be able to have windows open all night, so we can fully enjoy the neighbor kids yelling at the top of their lungs in the backyard for 45 min at 630 am on a Saturday. Glad y’all like the new swing set you got from your parents who don’t seem to own a clock. HOWEVER

Can we collectively just agree on a set fee that we’re all willing to pay in advance for our kids to get only the candy/snack portion of birthday party goody bags and leave the plastic pile of toy-like crap portion behind without our children even laying eyes on it?

Gold star for me for doing a thing that has been on my to do list for 3 months. A thing that was accomplished by a phone call that took 5 minutes and 8 seconds.

Can we please all agree that removable cup liners are stupid and annoying? Sew them in or leave them out and we’ll make our decisions accordingly when purchasing instead of having to perform laparoscopic surgery on sports bras every time they come out of the wash.

Exciting scenes from your 40s they don’t tell you about in your 20s: dropping one of your nightly pills (the last one in that bottle bc you need to go to CVS to get the refill tomorrow) on the floor after you’ve already put in the nighttime eye gel that makes your vision blurry.

Tell me you’re in your 40s without telling me you’re in your 40s. I’ll go first: Tums appears to have discontinued my preferred flavor and replaced it with something similar but not quite the same and I am way more than mildly annoyed about it.

Just saw an article about the plan to tear down Water Slide World. And now you too, fellow 518 kids, will have that jingle in your head for the rest of the night. You’re welcome.

I am “I remember eating macaroni and cheese I assembled myself at the Wendy’s Superbar” years old.

Ahhhhh that once every two years moment when every lawyer gets the registration packet in the mail, counts up their CLE hours, loudly says “SHIT,” and frantically starts searching for several webinars to try to cram in before the month is up.

I feel personally attacked

I am “I have a preferred flavor of Tums and will only purchase that flavor” years old.

We should not have to do this on our Saturday. Or any day. But we do. We really do. And so I’m here. @marchforourlives @ West Capital Park instagram.com/p/Ceq89LEgrG4/… – at New York, USA

How many kids is it going to take? How fucking many? Fuck your fucking guns.

My kid has a awful lot of questions and concerns about pirates for someone who lives a two and a half hour drive inland in the year 2022.