The Prime Minister has unveiled what he called "everyday savings" to help ease the cost of living crisis ahead of tomorrow's budget. Andy Burnham has revealed tariffs will be reduced on a range of food items including chocolate, baked beans and gherkins. The Treasury said the average family would save £21 a year. The Conservatives described it as "cheaper gherkins" and an "insult to families".

Attention scum teenagers: stop eating avocado toast, shirking work, persecuting your elders and having genders. Now, do your patriotic duty (get obliterated to a fine mist by weapons that might as well have been fired from outer space, in a new, somehow even dumber war)