AB Press Release parody

We will no longer be pretending to care. Good luck. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown

Our refusal to take the small step of enacting the National Day for Truth and Reconciliation as a stat-day indicates how we will approach the large steps. Our white supremacist agenda promises the continued marginalization of Indigenous Peoples. #ableg

We appreciate that citizens think our current situation would be considered a worst-case scenario. We have something much worse in mind. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown

We will be taking a vacation: unlike the Premier, we have a caretaker during our absence. #ableg #onyourown

Today is garbage day. Garbage day does not come often, so please remember to take out the trash. Should citizens fail to take out the trash, they will be stuck with garbage until the next garbage day comes around. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown #elexn44

We are officially Open for Summer: all restrictions lifted, no ban on gatherings, and absolutely no consequences. Despite the slogan, we will not have restrictions come back in the fall. We are not just Open for Summer; we are open for good. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown

We are pleased to learn that the Health Authority will cancel surgeries before ever questioning our refusal to implement restrictions. We applaud their obedience in always putting the government's interests before the health of citizens. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown

As we sit idly by and watch hospitalizations skyrocket, surgeries cancel, and daily deaths rise, it is important to remember that kindness matters. Share the hashtag #kindnessmatters to stop the spread of COVID-19. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown

Since our abdication of duty, we have a surplus of government space that we were able to successfully lease out for the next two months. This is proof that our Recovery Plan is working. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown

A public system cannot keep up with the demands of a modern society. We are happy to announce our partnership with TELUS myEmergency™. Simply download the myEmergency™ app and follow the prompts during an emergency. Have your health card and credit card ready. #ableg #onyourown

Crisis averted: we will be actively overworking the few healthcare staff we have left to save the system from collapse. After which we will vilify them for being paid overtime and use it to justify wage rollbacks. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown

Let us be clear: we are not intentionally manufacturing a crisis in the public health system to set the stage for privatization. Rather, we are synthesizing a crisis. It is simply staff over-exhaustion from the pandemic. Take our word for it, not theirs. #COVID19AB #ableg

Since our impassioned August 4th letter entitled "Learning to live with COVID-19", many did not learn to live with COVID-19. You may be wondering how we could willingly allow citizens to get sick and die. Correct. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown

The health services map has been updated and there are no disruptions to services. We have cancelled 50 surgeries due to service disruptions. Patients have contracted COVID-19 while in hospital. There is no risk to patients in hospital. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown

Despite all evidence predicting this exact scenario, we did not foresee this scenario. Nurses will be required to work overtime and cancel vacations. We are unable to answer questions at this time as we are currently on vacation. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown

We must learn to live with COVID-19. Pay no attention to the naysayers and facts. Citizens must be optimistic. We cannot continue living in reality, it is time to put the pandemic behind us and cheer on a bright future. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown

Concern for your family's health is normal, but also irrational. Citizens are best suited to assess their own risk: if the risk is high, you have anxiety. Help trivialize mental health issues by dismissing valid criticism with claims of anxiety. #COVID19AB #ableg #onyourown