Crumpet the Elf

The best tool an elf has is a megaphone. #ASCSantaland

Hey girl, I like your management style until I see you screaming at an idiot customer. #ASCSantaland

Santa Bob may not give up his Santa suit at the end of the season. #workdrama #ASCSantaland

Dwarves are just coasting on their looks. I am a REAL fake elf. LOOK AT MY TIGHTS.

Santa no longer deals with coal. If you’re bad he’ll just come to your house and steal things.

Yeah, Parent? You’re gonna have me fired? Well, I’m gonna have you killed. #ASCSantaland

It’s Christmas Eve. Macy’s is short on elves. We are not only on autopilot, but we’re fast-forwarding everyone through the Santa line.

A kid just asked Santa for his dead father back. And a set of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. #ASCSantaland

Yes little boy - it’s cool that you’re an actor/model. You should shadow me while I do my elf duties! After all, this will be you in 10 yrs.

A thumbs-up and a “good job” from a parent is always appreciated. #ASCSantaland

The closer we get to Christmas, the more Parents start acting like Children.

Hey girl, your manager pin is crooked. I’d fix it for you, but I don’t want my hand near your boobs. #ASCSantaland

I am the most agreeable elf in that I will push people through the Santa line as fast as you need me to. #ASCSantaland

This just in: substituting Satan for Santa goes over SUPER well with kids of all ages. #ASCSantaland

Santa’s flattering is occasionally borderline creepy: “Well, aren’t you a pretty little girl?” #ASCSantaland

Yeah I like sugar. It's my favorite thing or whatever. Please just move through the line. @ElfMovieQuotes #ASCSantaland

OH MY GOD MY NAME IS NOT BUDDY #ASCSantaland

I like to switch it up and sing Christmas carols in the style of various celebrities: Billie Holliday, Eddie Vedder, Yoda, etc.

I sometimes love that I’m dressed as an elf & talking in a squeaky voice while my peers hope to God their kids don’t aspire to be me.

Santas from Santaland: remember that you’re FAKE. You shootin’ the shit? Your name is not Santa at this time. #PSAforBob