Andy Herald

Non-parent: Ugh I’m NEVER doing anything like THAT when I have kids! Parents [under breath]: Oh fucking yes the fuck you are.

Can you do your taxes at a drive-through ATM? Because it really feels like the person in front of me is doing their taxes.

Has anyone tried reminding all these old billionaires that they’re going to die like the rest of us? ‘Cause it really feels like they forgot that part.

Me: I’m pretty easy going, very chill Anyone: *pronounces the L in salmon* Me: *eye twitching commences*

I have now called my wife’s phone to help her find it more times than the total number of times I’ve called anyone ever in my entire life.

Getting turned into a vampire would be the worst thing for me. I can’t sleep on my back and wouldn’t be able to curl up and turn over in a coffin. Eternal insomnia.

This zoom meeting could have easily been a phone meeting that should have been an email.

We had pizza tonight and as I brought the steaming triangle of deliciousness to my face my son put his hand on my arm and said, “Dad. You’re gonna burn your mouth. Like last time.” And lemme tell ya, I felt both seen and loved.

I’m starting to get the idea that “pre-coffee me” is now just... all of the time me.

I know I’m not a BAD dad, but when I meet someone and they say “your son has told me all about you” I wait to hear a little more before unclenching.

Me, a dad: *scrunches up nose* Uhh... uhh... Entire family: *claps hands over their ears against the conclusive boom of my impending sneeze*

Do you ever go grocery shopping on the weekend and think, actual starving is probably not that bad as far as alternatives go

When I tell my kid “you missed a spot,” by spot I usual mean everything. You missed pretty much absolutely everything.

I miss the age when the things I worried about were windowless vans, quicksand and the Bermuda Triangle, instead of worrying about every single thing in the world all of the time.

Thank you @GeneralMills 😍❤️

After a long conversation with my wife I now admit that “buckle the fuck up, buttercup” was probably not the best response to our friends announcing their first pregnancy.

Wife: do that thing I like. Me: *winks seductively* *walks over to the closet and grabs the candy we hide from the kids*