Branson Fresh

"I'm going to offer to pay as close to zero as possible, and when nobody shows up to interview, I'm going to call locals lazy and stupid and try to import third-world labor." -Branson, Missouri businesses

Yesterday there was an oil spill where 76 Country Boulevard intersects with Fall Creek Road. Last night George W. Bush declared war on that particular corner and invaded the area with the US Military. Today the traffic is free-flowing and Bush declared Mission Accomplished.

Vegas is dead, and Branson is now being born. Twitter has just partnered with @MayorOfBranson to open The Polymarket Predictions Resort. Live X feeds on all screens, huge sums of money being won and lost, and casino sound effects will create a speculator's spectacle.

Branson of The Future is a return to the past. It may be the year 2221, but the billboard is new and it reads, "Elvis Still Lives Here." Actually, Branson's population by that time is 50,000 people, and over half of them are Elvis Impersonators.

In early 2026, two Fortune 500 companies will be relocating their headquarters to Branson, Missouri. This is huge for jobs. City leaders are giddy thinking about all the third-world labor they are going to get to import to staff these new local positions.

Branson is a walkable city. It ought to be, because the employers in town don't pay their employees enough money to be able to afford to drive.

A Ferris Wheel is a Sky Unicycle, and nobody would ride one like the comedian Gallagher. That’s good, because a Gallagher impersonator is set to open a theater here in Branson. Watermelon farmers in The Ozarks are rejoicing.

A parrot once got told it had an IQ of 100, realized it was smarter than most politicians, and then ran for mayor of Branson. VOTERS in town rejected the bird, because they resented the fact that it was both smart AND beautiful.

Soon the riots in Branson will start. The angry protestors will be holding up signs that say, “AI stole our jobs—and our women. AI can keep the women."

I don't read local print journalism, because it's mainly outsourced AP slop. I get all my news when I'm getting my haircut at the barbershop.

Branson has all your favorite chain restaurants in one place, so when you’re on vacation, you’ll feel like you never left home. Summer is over, and you no longer have to pretend you’re working on your beach body. That’s good, because Johnny McSlop’s is now OPEN.

A leading AI robotics company will soon partner with a Branson theater to automate the nightly stage performances. The show will reduce labor costs to zero, which means tickets can be sold to Boomers for as little as a dollar.

Anthems of Rock plays two Meat Loaf songs, but only one from Heart. There's leftover Meat Loaf, but Alone is alone.

Anthems of Rock plays two Meat Loaf songs, but only one from Heart. There's leftover Meat Loaf, but Alone is alone.

Due to inflation, Branson's Five & Dime will change its name to "Quarter and Buck." It was either that or "Branson's OTHER Generic Merchandise Store."

To bolster our faltering economy, Trump will be employing people to dig deep and wide trenches so that he can then hire contractors to build bridges over them. He's selected Branson, Missouri to be America's first Water Street City.

It’s only been a day since Pointe Royale’s pool closed for the summer, and I already miss it. It was like Memphis in Branson.

Branson is a foodie town. The tourists that visit have discerning taste, and they know that @CrackerBarrel is the peak gastronomical experience in America.

Branson, Missouri has the best fishing in the world—and is also the most MAGA city per capita. Last time I baited a hook in Lake Taneycomo, I caught something that weighed over 300 pounds—if you don't believe the recent medical report.