buy the smallest (unexpired, properly shipped and stored) quantity of unflavored unsweetened @bublywater that you can find and send it to me for science

Almost. I do like the skeleton. “The measure, and function, and nature of a system, is what it *actually* does—not what it claims, or advertises, or *intends* to do.” Mine is more, “Amidst a dire muddle? Consider, considering results with dubious intentionality, intentional.”