an actual bacon retweeted
when you gaze long into the zoo you bought, the zoo you bought also gazes into you
What do you get when you cross a disgusting abomination and enough self loathing to kill a man? Me. You get me.
Missed Connection:
You were in the front at the screening of The Martian I was attending. Matt Damon, I think your name was.
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It puts the lotion in the basket, along with an assortment of scented candles and aromatic bath salts.
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an actual bacon retweeted
Robots are taking over so many jobs, it鈥檚 only a matter of time before I go to Starbucks and get my name misspelled in binary.
Missed Connection: We were at Denny's. You had a stack of pancakes. I unhinged my jaw and swallowed the whole table. Hit me up, girl.
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an actual bacon retweeted
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and wolves, and jet skis, and specifically wolves on jet skis
an actual bacon retweeted
[commercial for crickets]
why would anyone buy crickets?
crickets: *cricket noises*
Customer: How are you?
Me: Eh, can't complain.
C: Oh that's good.
M: No, I mean I'm contractually obligated not to complain.
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Guys, what the hell is a Jamba and what does its juice contain? #illuminaticonfirmed
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