Even in the mess, we rebuild.
England, United Kingdom
Joined May 2011
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You can’t change someone. But you will anyway.
Not through arguments or ultimatums or that thing you do where you get really quiet and hope they’ll notice you’re upset. (They never do, by the way. They just think you’re tired.) You’ll change them the way water changes stone, by being around them long enough that they start to see themselves through your eyes.
I dated someone who interrupted everyone. Constantly. Mid-sentence, mid-thought, didn’t matter. It drove me insane for months. Then one night at dinner with friends, I watched her do it again, and this time she caught herself. She looked at me, then back at the person she’d cut off, and said, “Sorry, keep going.” Nobody else even noticed. But I knew: she’d started hearing herself the way I heard her.
That’s the thing they don’t mention when they say “accept people as they are.” You do accept them. And then they feel that acceptance so deeply that they finally have enough safety to look at the parts of themselves they’ve been running from their whole lives. Not because you demanded it. Because you made space for it.
But here’s the trap: if you’re asking “can I change her” with a specific outcome in mind, you’ve already lost. You’re not in a relationship anymore. You’re in a renovation project. And people can smell that a mile away. They can feel when your love has conditions attached. It makes them smaller, more defended, and less likely to grow into anything you’d actually want. Honestly, it usually just makes them better at hiding.
The real question isn’t whether you can change someone. It’s whether you can love someone enough that they feel free to change themselves. And whether the direction they’re growing is toward you or away from you.
Sometimes you date someone, and she becomes kinder, more thoughtful, and more herself. Sometimes she becomes exactly who she’s always been, just louder. And sometimes, this is the one that hurts; she grows into someone beautiful. Just not someone beautiful for you.
You can’t control which one happens. You can only decide how long you’re willing to wait to find out.
I have come to realise that money does not necessarily change people; more often than not, it reveals aspects of their character that circumstances had previously concealed. I have seen people I considered trustworthy and dependable behave in ways that completely contradicted my perception of them once money entered the equation.
What fascinates me is that this is not exclusive to people who lack money. Even the wealthy can fail the simplest tests of financial integrity. Ultimately, I pay closer attention to how people handle money, honour their financial commitments, and conduct themselves when their personal interests are at stake than to what they profess about their character.
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Nsikan retweeted
Modesty is the predisposition towards gratitude that comes from the awareness that you’re not entitled to things merely for existing and so whatever is freely given to you naturally elicits heartfelt gratitude for reducing your burden.
This is rarer to find in women than in men because our realities are starkly different (Men are hardly ever given free meals and so whatever kindness shown to a man is more likely to elicit genuine gratitude since he isn’t used to such).
There is a reason “as you should” and “bare minimum” are uniquely female-coded speaks.
They are narcissism induced phrases mirroring the general entitlement women feel with respect to male benevolence, an entitlement that does not stem from any prior correlative sacrifice so as to earn it, but merely from the fact of their existence, having received prior kindnesses from different men.
It is an arbitrary ego-inflation that increases their natural baseline expectation and prevents them showing any real gratitude because they’re merely getting what they “deserve”.
There is a reason Cicero described gratitude as “not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”
Genuine gratitude is what provokes the continual flow of all other streams of kindness. It is the grease that oils the machine.
It inspires in the source the moral urge to “do more”, but quite ironically, also inspires in the beneficiary the moral urge to “give back”, and in doing this, symmetry is created that enriches both the giver and the recipient and the social contract is sustained.
This is why you must not negotiate modesty. You cannot truly continually sacrifice for a person who sees your effort as their due.
I will keep saying it, that parents have a lot of work to do on their children.
A lot of intentional effort has to go into raising a child.
Once dated a lady from a family that does not know how to say thank you.
Do something for the sister, and it is a bland thank you.
Do something for the brother, bland thank you.
Do something for the said lady herself; it's a bland thank you.
Whereas, I have met a lady who said:
"Babe, please lend me money. I promised my sister I would pay for her apprenticeship, but it is coming so suddenly, and I can only spare 30k now. Lend me 20k so I can sort her."
Asked how much, she said 50k.
Sent 100k to her, sort your sister, and keep the rest since you are not boxed up.
I wasn't expecting her to tell the sister, since she's in her big sis mode.
But to my surprise...
After sending epistle, she went ahead to tell the said sister I paid for it, and told the brother and the entire family texted me for the first time, to say thank you.
And was feeling almost embarrassed by "thank you."
If I do anything for my own siblings they will say thank you, pray for me, do same the following day, and they will even tell our parents.
And my parents will still call me to say thank you, and pray for me.
Most times, I wonder why.
But I have come to realize that it was how we were raised.
And checking through too...
The act of appreciating others very well for what they have done for us is a measure of how they have been raised.
Mine was two streets away. I would wait until almost everyone had left the store before I could buy one, but there were still people around.
The next time, I came prepared with a list of things I knew they wouldn’t have and strategically placed “condom” somewhere in the middle. I handed it to the guy and said, “My bros say make I give you this list.”
He scanned it and said, “Omo, we no get all these things oo but we get condom.” . Oya give me na😂
Nsikan retweeted
Make it a habit to put your brain to work. Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does. Challenge it, stretch it and keep it active. Never become so dependent on having answers delivered to you that you lose the ability to find them yourself.
Don’t delegate every question, every thought and every intellectual effort to Grok and ChatGPT. I understand that these tools can be useful, but when you constantly outsource the work of thinking, you deprive yourself of the very mental exercise that helps you grow intellectually.
Develop a genuine passion for knowledge and an insatiable curiosity about the world around you. When you encounter an unfamiliar word, look it up. When someone mentions an idea you don’t understand, research it, read about it and explore it beyond the initial explanation. Read books that challenge your thinking, question what you already know, examine opposing arguments and learn to form your own conclusions.
Don’t just consume information; learn to process it, question it, connect ideas and think independently. Read beyond what you already agree with. Be curious enough to investigate things that have nothing to do with your job, your interests or your immediate needs. The more knowledge you acquire, the more connections you begin to see, and the better you become at understanding people, interpreting situations and making sense of the world.
Nsikan retweeted
The solution to Manchester United is simple.
If the management truly wants a rebuild, it should openly back Carrick. Then you will see all these overfed babies called players adjust or leave.
After Arsène Wenger left Arsenal, the coaches who came afterwards failed to deliver the desired results until the management decided to rebuild and openly back Arteta.
Özil, Lacazette, Aubameyang, Leno, Xhaka, and many other big stars either left or were moved on as the club rebuilt. The instruction was clear. If you are not playing at the level the coach expects, you are out.
When Arsenal appointed Mikel Arteta in December 2019, the club finished 8th, 8th, and 5th in his first three Premier League seasons before qualifying for the Champions League.
Some fans wanted Arteta out, while others believed in him and said, "We trust the process."
You don't achieve quick success during a rebuilding phase.
It's obvious that some players want Carrick out, and the management needs to make it clear to them that Carrick is not going anywhere, regardless of how bad the results get.
The players need to understand that their job is to play at the highest level and deliver results.
Any player who fails to perform at that level should be put up for sale, regardless of their name or how much they earn.
I'm not happy seeing Manchester United this way even as rival fan. But the truth remains, when you're rebuilding most times it feels like it's not working but you'll need to be patient.
You cannot say you are rebuilding a team, then sack the manager every time results don't go your way.
At this point, the players must also be held accountable. You cannot keep changing managers while the same players continue to underperform.
If the club's management trusts Carrick enough to appoint him, it should give him the backing to do his job.
Let the players know that nobody is bigger than the club. If you're rebuilding, you'll suffer until things gets better.
Young Jonn deserves far more credit for his contribution to Nigerian music. His ability to transform simple melodies into infectious hits is a testament to his creativity and musical genius. He is not just a hitmaker; he is one of the producers who helped shape the sound of an era. His evolution from an exceptional producer to an artist in his own right is equally impressive.
I like him.
Okay
My friend moved to UK last year. First 2 months, he was posting snow, Tesco, train, “Alhamdulillah for new life” every day on status.
By month 3, he started complaining. “Bro, UK is lonely. Work is 12 hours, rent is finished, cold dey kill person.”
I told him calm down, e go better.
Month 6, he called me by 2am Nigerian time. He said “Guy, I swear I miss Nigeria. I miss noise, I miss mama put, I miss us drinking beer for junction till 11pm for no reason. Here everybody dey face him own.”
Last week he called again. He said he got a better job. Better pay. But he still said the same thing. “Money dey UK, but life dey Nigeria.”
That one hit me.
None of my business what he chooses to do, but why are you people making being 40 sound like a man should be preparing for his grave? I have been seeing this narrative all over my timeline lately, and I genuinely do not understand it. Is 40 really that old? I am in that age bracket, and I neither see myself as an old man nor feel like one. When did 40 become the age at which people are expected to stop having fun and start behaving like life is behind them?
Nsikan retweeted
I regret to inform you that nobody cares about your potential. Potential is nothing without execution. When you're young, everyone cares about your potential. You get used to focusing on it. But as you get older, no one cares about your potential. Just your delivery against it.
It is always amusing to watch young Nigerians in Nigeria go out of their way to disparage Nigerians in the diaspora, desperately searching for every conceivable opportunity to convince them that relocating was a terrible decision. Suddenly, everybody has a friend who relocated, regretted it, and is allegedly counting the days until they return to Nigeria.
My theory has always been this: if you are under 40, have little to show for your years beyond the daily struggle to survive in Nigeria, and have convinced yourself that staying is a deliberate lifestyle choice because you refuse to do menial jobs abroad or because you supposedly love Nigeria too much, I have news for you. There is a good chance you are rationalising your circumstances rather than making a conscious choice.
Because what exactly is the trade off when you are neither financially comfortable, professionally fulfilled, nor benefiting from the very system you are so determined to defend? You are not too old to start over, you are not thriving where you are, and yet you have somehow convinced yourself that the problem is with those who dared to leave.
Bro, it is a cope. A psychological defence mechanism designed to make the absence of an opportunity feel like the rejection of one.
And before anybody starts typing, I recognise that some people genuinely have no desire to relocate. Their lives are fulfilling, their businesses are thriving, and they have legitimate reasons to remain in Nigeria. I am not talking about them.
I am talking about people who desperately want the opportunity to leave but have mistaken their inability to make the move for a principled decision to stay.
You want to leave. You simply lack the means, the opportunity, or perhaps the psychological fortitude to dismantle the life you know and rebuild somewhere unfamiliar.
And rather than confront that reality, you have made a virtue out of your predicament and turned other people’s relocation into a mistake you must continually expose.
We see through it.
Nsikan retweeted
To create wealth that you don’t have, by making money that you’ve never had, you need a system:
accounts & balance sheets, registrations & licenses, partners, advisors/mentors, trade affiliations, favours, access to repositories of information, work spaces, enabling environments, time to deliberate—not just “money & knowledge.”
And you need to understand the system. It’s not LinkedIn-esque.
Remember that I think more about wealth and not just having money. This influences my approach.
I speak to those whose children and grandchildren are going to get a similar kind of education and stability to that which they established, or even better, so much that it becomes a tradition.
The average black American trap rapper worth over 15 million USD is one of the highest people in the world. But with 7 children and 3 baby mamas with no education he’s only a slave of hyper-capitalism and governments.
He’s likely inferior to a 40 year old man who’s worth 5 million USD and runs a 200 year old winery in Texas with his family. Whilst former’s well being would be exhausted in chasing more and more. As he wouldn’t be different from Rich whores with BBL. Many grass to grace types represent such kinds of riches predominant in Negro society. I’m not for that.
Read also: xitter.cf/enyinna_/status/211114…
Yes. Your success is still valid, even when you choose not to make it the centre of attention.
One of the most underrated signs of emotional intelligence is knowing when to celebrate your success and when to put it aside out of consideration for other people. Sometimes, the most mature thing you can do is read the room and recognise that your moment of joy coincides with someone else’s moment of disappointment.
For example, if you and your friends write an exam and you pass while they perform poorly, learn to put your excitement aside and offer them comfort first. You can celebrate your achievement later, even in private.
Emotional intelligence is understanding that you can be happy about your success without making someone else feel worse about their failure.
You keep saying everyone moved because of money because apparently, that is the only thing your mind can comprehend. Not everyone is as financially desperate as you assume. The fact that you cannot imagine someone having a different reason for relocating does not make them a liar. It just shows how limited your thinking is. Stop projecting your own circumstances onto everybody else.
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"just have money you will enjoy Nigeria and "Would you rather earn £3,000 monthly in the UK or ₦3 million monthly in Nigeria?" ☺️
