Give a man a sink and he'll clean for a day. Teach a man to sink, and he'll probably drown.

Friends are like Play-Doh; fun to play with, not to eat.

Yo @dreamwastaken, I'm trying to make a video. Do you know anyone who makes a modded server jar that causes a myriad of visual bugs but only when it would've been convenient to cut my otherwise perfectly legitimate footage? Help a small creator out!

One time my wife and I found a church bulletin in which every instance of "and" had been replaced with "&". They literally had an obituary for ampersandrew.

Just saw an IRL video of a calf mistaking a dog peen for a cow tiddy on my fyp. That's enough twitter for today.

Wow, this is what Ferris Buler must've felt like in an AU where he wasn't faking his illness and his day off sucked.

Dumbass, all cheese is gas.

Bruh, just found out my therapist in Roblox is 12 😭😣

Does a horse with no name imply the existence of a name with no horse?

boobies are so gas

She's a 10 but she only has 2,000 might in Vikings Rise

Please fill out a quick customer satisfaction survey to share how my previous tweet could've earned your like.

This show had NOTHING to do with Chicago.

Got high and showed her the meet 'n' fuck kingdom short 😬

The cool thing about peanut M&M's is they peanut.

Buldak.

Somehow easier than teaching my dumbass bomb clip

So cool that Apple invented a screen that can fold! Droid-cels stay losing!!

Any burrito is a breakfast burrito if you eat it at 8AM.