Me: I got some good news for you. Patient: what? Me: You and your wife are going to save a ton of money on your vacation this summer. Patient: How? Me: only 1 of you is going

I just had someone come to my door telling me they are going door to door cleaning “No Soliciting” signs.

I use Dude Wipes mint chills at work because my butthole needs to know what smoking a menthol cigarette is all about

I accidentally took anxiety meds once instead of my diarrhea medicine. I shit my pants but I was totally cool about it.

I wear Sketchers shoes because I’m too lazy to tie my shoes

*hears song on radio Me “That’s the dumbest fucking song I’ve ever heard.” Two hours later adds said Song to Favorites Playlist.

I absolutely hate it when my boss sends me a work related email during my 8 hours of watching YouTube

I’m crying watching the Brewers get the trophy. I’ve waited a whole lifetime to see my team play in the World Series and now it’s going to happen. I won’t be sleeping for days. #winourway #milwaukeebrewers #brewcrew

Fuck yeah! I got all 20

My tolerance for caffeine is so high that I have to use Monster Energy as a coffee creamer.

Doctor I can’t sleep, please help me. Ok, let’s start with what your day look looks like. I wake up at 7, drink a 64 ounce coffee, pee for an hour straight, spend the next 9 hours drinking Monster Energy non-stop, then before I lay down I drink a small 32 ounce coffee.

Why is “Spider Marv” a choice?

Did I just see W.A.S.P. On Thursday Night Football? Is this 1988? Did someone lace my beer?

Why can't my fat just leave me like all my friends do

I guess my leadership style is more based on Jim Jones of Guyana.

Shit, I meant .09 mile walk.

I did 9 mile walk this morning.

Here’s a tip that will help you get to the end of your workday faster, quit before you go in. Sleep all day.