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First Jimothy

@First_Jimothy

The writings, sayings, wisdom and wit of the modern patriarchal sage, Jimothy. Not all tweets are original, satire & sarcasm are on the menu.

Joined January 2016
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#LifeLesson: Your ability to see the silly in the serious goes a long way in coping with everyday life. #experience
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When asked to read the Bible passage...and realize you can’t prounounce most of the words...
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Couples who need #marriagecounseling: Pastor: Hey Joe! How are you? Joe: Well, me and the little lady are having problems. Pastor: Oh no! Can I help? Joe: She says it's all me, that I have two faults. One is I don't listen, and the other I can't remember. #church #badumtiss
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We have so much to be thankful for!!
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Dear Lord, Please bless me with patience. Not opportunities to LEARN patience, but the actual patience. #church #pastor
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Couples who need #marriagecounseling : Pet Store Employee: You’re buying a really large doghouse! What breed do you have? Woman: My husband. #marriage
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#SmallGroup Icebreaker: Leader: What is your favorite season? Me: Of which show? Him: Me: Him: Me: Me: Oh, you mean the weather!
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Anyone else put something in a safe place, and forget where the safe place is? #askingforafriend
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"I've never been so hungry in my entire life." ~Me every two hours #weightlossproblems
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I 'm going to start referring to age as "levels." Saying I'm at level 55 sounds so much better than saying I'm getting old.
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#church #pastor
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#Church Foyer Conversation: Him: How’re things? Me: Fantastic! Narrator: *Things were NOT fantastic.*
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No...my posts have not been about you, but if the shoe fits feel free to lace it up!! #justsayin
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#same
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Anyone else mentally say “Wed-nes-day” when writing the word Wednesday?
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Nutritionist: You should only eat 1200 calories a day. Me: OK, and how many at night? #weightlossproblems
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God will never give you a schedule that is so full that there’s no time for Him.
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Am I the only one who tries to accomplish a task before the microwave hits zero like my life depends on it?
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Have you ever noticed that all parents think they are horrible parents except for horrible parents? #justsayin
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#LifeLesson: The happiest people don’t have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything.
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At lunch with a friend I pointed to two older guys across the room and said, “That’ll be us in 10 years.” He said, “That’s a mirror idiot!” #ouch
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