Mr Scott i presume

It should be illegal to be up this early And doing 32mph in a built up area.

I'm eating chocolate cake and drinking whiskey. This is how the other half live, in case you wondered.

Cheryl's a bit of a cow at times. I've decided I'm not going to sleep with her now. #Xfactor

@Bee_Blonde yes, that's masturbation for you

@Bee_Blonde no, we're all at it. You're not weird after all ;)

@Bee_Blonde surely we all do, don't we?

Let's face it! We all masturbate during the X-Factor at some point.

@Bee_Blonde ohh! What's happened?

I sometimes forget how much I used to enjoy twitter. I still check up on you all from time to time.

I've never had suicidal tendencies until dealing with the Scottish Power call centre. Abysmal!!

Hello

Do teachers and bin men actually get paid for being on strike then?

It's not even 8am yet and I've already opened an online Argos account.

It's is now safe to leave the house. The chances of Cleopatra, Coming at ya have been down graded to low risk.

It's amazing how much a litre of fairy dust has gone up since people have been displaying those stickers on there cars.

War! Huh! What is it good for? It's good for those people who do battle reenactments.

Today's customer is sat on his sofa in bike leathers, eating raw onions and listening to Christmas carols. And no it's not Joey Essex.

I still haven't recovered from watching #mygrannytheescourt

I've just stood on a worm.