Scott Ward

Nice going, Jeff.

"THRIFT STORE" (2027) starring Colin Farrell as @THEVinceRusso Plot: Vince Russo, fresh out of his gig in JCW Lunacy, is browsing a Colorado thrift store for 8 tracks when a crew of hardcore WWE fans in sweatstained t-shirts barricade the door. They are convinced professional wrestling is real, that the WWE has been deliberately burying Chad Gable, and that the only way to force a push is to hold the store hostage until Triple H calls. Their leader, a former amateur who was made fun of on LTB+H with @TheRealAlSnow , announces the terms over the thrift store PA... Chad Gable gets a 7 month world title reign, or nobody leaves. Russo, recognized immediately as the lightning rod of controversy who once booked the industry into its heights, becomes a reluctant negotiator and de facto hostage leader. He tries to talk them down with the same logic he used in production meetings.... the audience does not want what they think they want. The hardcore fans respond by zip-tying the cashier and threatening to set the book section on fire if Gable is not trending within the hour. @Thecoachrules calls Russo on fametime and sees the scene unfold, knowing Vince is under duress seeing the hardcore fans forcing Russo to answer questions about current talent. Under pressure, Russo calls Jaida Parker "Jada Pinkett" and insists she should be managed by "Teryaki Carwash" when a WON subscriber brings up the Japanese legend Toshiaki Kawada. Russo’s attempts to end the siege are constantly undercut by his cheapness. He refuses the hostages cries to have pizza delivered, arguing that the uber eats delivery fee would be outrageous. When he slips out of a grate to run off and buy supplies at the Dollar General, he returns with a single roll of duct tape, a kitchen knife, and a complaint that the clerk tried to upsell him an extended warranty on the knife. The situation escalates when Russo Macguyvers a rope out of eaten 8 track tapes, and uses it to subdue the leader of the hardcore fans to reach the manager’s office phone. He doesnt call the police, He calls a former contact at WWE creative and tries to trade the hostages’ release for a promise that Gable will at least get a mic segment on Raw. The climax arrives when Will Smith busts into the store and starts fighting everyone upon hearing that his wife is being talked about. Police move in as Russo fights and defeats the leader using an atomic wedgie. In the aftermath, Russo is briefly treated as a hero on sports talk radio until someone replays the "Jada Pinkett" and "Teryaki Carwash" clips and Will Smith realizes it was him. We see Russo in the same thrift store a week later, arguing with the cashier over the price of a used Giants jersey and muttering that Chad Gable would have drawn if they had just let him book the angle.