Made Up Name

I’m actually worried I may one day forget about Four Seasons Total Landscaping between the crematorium and the dildo store and I don’t want to live in a world where I don’t have that memory.

As parents of two unlicensed teenagers, we are full time taxi drivers. We see them twice a day. Once as they’re leaving the house, once after they’ve texted “actually can you collect us we have no way home.”

My favourite thing is this conversation: Me to my husband - “Can you try this? Does it need more salt? Is it gross?” Husband - “No, it’s good. It’s actually REALLY good.” Takes another bite. “I know.”

She gets one mayonnaise decoration.

My kid has asked for a mayonnaise themed birthday party. Previous birthday themes have been oranges (the fruit, not the colour), Queen (the band, not the person), and pickles. I think her goal has been to watch me fail and I think she finally won this year.

8 hours of work. ~100 cupcakes baked, 60 cupcakes decorated, 20 cupcakes trashed (respect the science and substitute ingredients at your own risk), 20 extras frozen.

I met a dog last night. His name is Yoki and his birthday is February 14, which makes him a real ladies’ man.

I had several donuts for dinner. For 3 minutes, I was euphoric. Now I wish I was the kind of person who made better choices in life.

I would never body shame, but…I will photoshop shame. The actual fuck? Specifically, the actual fuck is happening with this “neck”?

Work road trip tomorrow to a meeting an hour and a half away with three coworkers. Of course, because I’m Extra, I spent $75 on Road Trip Snacks.

Started looking at vacations for our 20th anniversary and my mind has decided that I’m not good enough to go on a couples-only vacation. I haven’t figured out why, but my anxiety is at a 10 and somehow pictures of the beach make me feel like shit. What the fuck.

I’m so hungry, but the eating rules make it not worth it. Plus my mouth is filled with bloody saliva I have no idea what I’m allowed to do with.

I had a wisdom tooth removed a couple hours ago. I can’t spit, I can’t swallow (twss), I can’t use a straw, can eat or drink anything hot, if I brush my teeth, I have to let it drool out, the hole needs to clot, but I need to keep it packed with gauze. I AM SO CONFUSED.

My hair has entered it’s Weird Al era.

My four year old nephew went out of his way to tell me that my lasagna makes him happy and he asked his mom if he could take it to school for lunch every day. Best day ever.

My coworkers, Shredrick and Scanley.

One kid clogs the toilet. Other kid laughs hysterically while on FaceTime with her friend. One parent accidentally overflows toilet while trying unclog it. Other parent makes 12 trips up and down two flights of stairs getting towels. The time? Well past bedtime.

I don’t post often, but when I do, it’s usually junk food because I’m a garbage person.

We are not very good at “homework ergonomics,” he and I.

Not even a Kong stuffie is safe. This dog lives to destroy.