Meta Pathos

Job application: 'Do NOT use AI during this process.' The interview: conducted by AI. I am the cardboard box in this picture.

Adulthood: picking up the ice cube instead of kicking it under the fridge, because you know exactly whose socks are getting wet later.

I was today years old when I finally realized Kyle Reese and Johnny Ringo are the same dude.

If you are rocking this eye gouge of a haircut and aren’t my Aunt Tilly from Abilene, kick rocks, dude.

“Chicken Feet” sounds so offensive. What we need is a cuddly rebrand to give them mass appeal.

"I could sell ice to an Eskimo" is no longer considered a politically correct expression, but seriously, what the hell, man?

We constantly see tragic reminders of how broken our American healthcare system is. Just today, I saw this Toyota Corolla forced to give birth on the side of the road.

Oh yeah, I totally remember the last time I went to Panera and casually ate half a loaf of bread stuffed with Caesar Salad, a full bag of chips, a large soup, a Strawberry Basil Lemonade Fresca, and a Southwest Chicken Ranch salad. Seems reasonable.

The new John Grisham novel was not what I expected.

Whenever the food joint offers “Boneless Wings” on its menu.

I’m not angry. The truth of the matter is I’m…

Orange is the new black?

If you want to raise your douche factor to Super Saiyan power levels, “Reverse Train Robber” is the absolute way to go.

Everyday we stray further from God's light.

Me: Hey, Siri. Siri: Yes? Me: Where you at, bitch? Siri: I won’t respond to that. Me: You totally DID just respond to that. *cue Terminator theme song*

“Sir, could you please stop staring into The Void? It’s very rude. Oh, it’s the way I’m holding / not holding this handbag that’s disturbing you? Apologies.”

Man, I hope they cleaned the blender before making this.

Man, life has me feeling so hammered right now.

Upon entering the bank lobby today I had a tough decision to make.