If you're happy and you know it, don't rub it in.

Texting is actually making us smarter bellows with autocorrect our brains halve to figure out what the person was origami trying to Sicily.

Sometimes I’ll pee and I’m like what the heck, I don’t remember drinking that much blood.

Okay, if we’re not all secretly trapped in some sort of hell then how do you explain Coldplay?

Harper: I feel like Lance has lots of skeletons in his closet. Lance: I’m ready to come out of the closet. Harper: You’re gay? That’s cool. Lance: No, I like boning skeletons. Lance and Harper: *laugh* Skeleton: *smokes a cig*

My favorite conspiracy theory? The struggle is actually fake.

Hey, whoever’s playing Pitch Perfect 2 in my apartment complex, you’re being incredibly disrespectful. Please turn it up and invite me over.

If you “Stand for the flag but kneel for The Lord,” then you recognize that your lord supersedes the flag. If your lord stands for justice, you should kneel for the flag. And if they don’t, then you worship two false idols.

HBO: removes more of their own shows. Everyone:

Who is the face of inane questions, bad punctuation, and childish attempts at comedy.

It’s around this time of year I always freak out a little bit because my bathroom becomes a Spirit Halloween store.

This is simple, transparent projection (in addition to being a blatant straw man). It's no coincidence that some of the least traditionally-masculine fellas on the right - Ben, Tucker, Josh Hawley, and Jordan Peterson - complain the most about loss of so-called masculine traits.

Abolish that one part of the IRS that provides this creature’s salary.

You can tell people are naturally stupid because they have to be told constantly not to be stupid, and even then they’re usually stupid.

If you don’t believe in a woman’s right to govern her own body, you don’t believe in liberty. If you don’t believe in freedom from theological rule, you don’t believe in freedom. If you don’t believe in protest, you’re unAmerican. #HappyIndependenceDay #ProtestIsPatriotism

So at what point does the big foot just come down and squash us just to speed up this process?

This is what's at stake if we silence Republican comedians! And by stake, I mean wooden stake through the heart of our democracy! And also steaks from cows, which the left want the cows to keep! And also steek, which isn't a word, but the libs might want it to be one!

Things I should've realized sooner #4719: Extroverts don't talk to you because they want to talk to you. Extroverts talk to you because they want to talk.

P1: I'm reading this book called "How To Gaslight People." P2: Oh yeah? How is it? P1: How's what? P2: The book you're reading. P1: I'm not reading any books.