@Twips2

I was @TwopTwips' friend. But then he wrapped a bar of soap in a towel and bashed up me legs when I was asleep. I'm also, very occasionally, @doctorcamel.

 Holywell, Northumberland
amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0091959942/ref=redir_mdp_mobile?ref_=cm_sw_r_udp_awd_jNRLtb18CW4FX
Joined November 2011
  • Tweets2.6K
  • Following8
  • Followers10.6K
I know I’ve mentioned this before but until I die I shall continue to mention the date who jumped out of my car at traffic lights and ran away.
Jann “stop live horse export” Arden@jannarden20 Aug 2019
In a single tweet- tell me about the worst date you’ve ever had. I need encouragement...
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Me: Can I put a poster up for Stroud Pride? Shop Owner: Sure! That’s for the gays isn’t it? Me: It’s for everyone! Shop Owner: Are you.. Me: ...yes I’m... Shop Owner: Do you know anything about wind chimes? Me: I... Shop Owner: Or is that lesbians? – at Stroud, England
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LEAVE a public toilet as you’d expect to find it by smearing your shit up the walls and pissing on the floor. (via @Woof_the_wolf)
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GENTS. If you see a lady who’s upset let her know you’re concerned by asking her if it’s her haircut that’s making her sad. @Bigshirtlesscol
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TRICK your wife into thinking the table’s died by simply turning it upside down. (via @simonn52)
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CONVINCE PEOPLE you’ve just done 8 years in prison by lighting a cigarette in a pub, and acting surprised at the outcome (via @eddieunwin)
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PARENTS. Easily teach your children fractions by getting them to buy your weed. (via @vinharris)
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Replying to @Theneilegan
A HOLLOWED OUT French stick is ideal for smuggling dildos into libraries. (via @Theneilegan)
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MAKE your own Sunderland head coach by pouring custard and brandy on your penis. (via @mrfavus)
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DRUG DEALERS. Improve your users' teeth by adding fluoride to crystal meth. (via @vinharris)
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CONVINCE VETS you need to remain off-grid by arriving at their surgery with a gunshot wound and demanding they "patch you up" @eddieunwin
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Replying to @SteveSparshott
LADS on Tinder. Try using "Hello" as a greeting instead of the usual "can i cum on ur tits". You might get a reply. (via @SteveSparshott)
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BEARD-WEARERS. Check no one has made off with your beard by stroking it every 30 seconds or so. (via @SaliBerisha1)
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Replying to @StooElvin
FOOL people into thinking you've been abroad by posting a picture of the rain and saying "Back in good old Blighty - 16c" (via @StooElvin)
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CONVINCE people they're wearing a hat by shouting "I like your hat!" at them. (via @bertnews)
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SEE people die of anger by getting a dog and naming it Bae. (via @sligboi)
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Replying to @Cooombsy
CREATIVELY placed human faeces make ideal & humorous "fake dog poo" (via @Cooombsy)
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CONVINCE people you're Greg Rutherford by complaining about your PE kit and jumping in some sand. (via @YPwca)
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PRETEND you're in your own first class compartment on a train by sitting in the toilet for the entire journey. (via @IanJonno)
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PRETEND you're at Tokyo's Shibuya Junction by looking at a regular pedestrian crossing through a kaleidoscope. (via @nickdaniels)
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