Rob Jones

me: fetch me my pan flute! wife: `hands me divorce papers instead`

What?

Me: Waiter, this soup tastes bad. Waiter: I apologize sir. I accidently gave you the Spoon of the Damned. I keep meaning to toss that out.

Wife: you can't make a full meal out of bisquick Me: *flipping a pancake that looks like a pork chop on the grill* I can too.

Me: ugh I hate hipsters always wearing stupid beanies Wife: they're not hipsters they always put hats on babies in the maternity ward

*at party* me: so yeah, when the aliens abducted me, they held me for 3 weeks. wife: it was like 4 days, max. me: you weren't there, Lisa!

me: *doing stuff* guy: look at that joker, always doing stuff His wife: I wish you'd do stuff guy: I wish you'd make less stinky shits karen

Batguy: there are crimes in Gotham Flash: do you want me to run around something really fast? Aquamans: that flash guy sure is useless.

*takes long drag off vape* I sell bags o' opossums as my father before me and his father before him. we have so many unsold bags in my home.

so this ms muffet broad sits down to eat some cottage cheese & gets scared by a spider. end of story.

[in ER] Wife: (Glaring)... Me: ... Wife: ... Me: How was I supposed to know you're allergic to raccoons?

*doctor comes out of OR* I did what I could but there were way more of those squirty tube things than I planned. It's not an exact science.

Me: so I didn't have milk for my coffee & you know the cat just had kittens, so... Wife: yeah? wait, you didnt... Me: am I going to die?

[At aquarium] wife: aren't they amazing? ME: (sees that tiger shark is just a normal shark) it's ok I guess

Me: whys this joker staring? Person: that's a mirror you need glasses Me: buddy, how about you mind your own business Person: I'm your wife

hug a stranger day played out a lot less violent in my head

It's not always about you, Carol Sometimes it's about anemone -fish argument that was funnier in my head

[on date] Her: So that's your thing? You just eat free crackers until you're full. Me: (coating her in cracker spittle) I can altho jugga.

me: (on phone) grab your purse, we have to run wife: why? me: I robbed Amtrak wife: of what? [train whistle heard coming down the street]

[at party] me: this is my life partner, lisa. She can be a nag Lisa: I'm his wife me: see what I mean? I apologize for her outbursts