@andersjazz

True Twitter genius providing everything you could ever need for a lavish Twitter experience.

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Joined January 2010
  • Tweets28.6K
  • Following1.3K
  • Followers547
2.3KMedia
The Hidden Valley Ranch is Valhalla for Midwesterners.
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Sunshine Jarboly@SunshineJarboly16h
one time i found two mormon missionaries on my porch praying to my beach cruiser.
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Sunshine Jarboly@SunshineJarboly15h
i always compliment my friend’s achievements by saying β€˜you’re going large’ or β€˜congrats. extra large, bro’ which is basically a play on the word large. sometimes i’ll say, β€œwow, that’s largetime, bro,” in where i simply smash together the words large & time to create a new word.
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My favorite German techno song is probably Munchhausen by Proxy.
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My town’s Verizon store is in an old Pizza Hut, and some of the employees say that in the evening if you listen really closely you can hear the faint sound of personal pan pizzas being made in the back.
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Joe Pontillo@JoePontilloOct 26
It's good to have an agent so they can also get no response from people.
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Giving my kids polygraph tests to see who ate my leftover chili.
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Kip Conlon@kipconlonOct 23
Me: I don't sign anything without a lawyer. Co-worker: Okay. Can I TELL Kathy you hope she gets well?
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Kirby Carlisle@2010brianwilsonOct 21
The 1 train is so unserious. 18th street. Get a grip
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Rich
@SouthernRLMOct 21
The music you choose has a profound impact on your mood, on your outlook, hell, your entire life. Sometimes just changing the song can change everything
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Life hack: Use your first paycheck of the month to cover what you’ll need for your mortgage, car and boat loans, utilities, insurance, food, landscaping bill, country club statement, etc, then you can use your next 3 checks to invest in high return money markets or rainy day fund.
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Joe Pontillo@JoePontilloOct 20
Crashed into 3 cars pulling out of the parking lot but stuck my hand out the window which means no one can get mad at me.
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A Subway sandwich artist not having to ask you to repeat any of your toppings is a great sign of respect in their culture.
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Joe Pontillo@JoePontilloOct 20
People in NYC cross the street like they want to be hit by a car which honestly makes sense because that might be their best financial option.
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One Awkward Mom@oneawkwardmomOct 19
Them: what are you eating? Me: protein bar. Them: that looks like a Reese’s pumpkin. Me: exactly. Protein bar.
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Sunshine Jarboly@SunshineJarbolyOct 18
my family has a deep & rich tradition where every week we get dressed up in our sunday best, cook a large dinner straight out of the betty crocker cookbook, pile our plates full of food, go to the living room, sit in front of the zenith color tv & watch an episode of LAW & ORDER.
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Sunshine Jarboly@SunshineJarbolyOct 18
i begin every rΓ©sumΓ© with β€˜you hire me, i work for you, hilarity ensues.’
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‏ً
@omgsidewalksOct 17
Why are soup flights not a thing? I would love to go to a restaurant and just get a little cup taste testing sampler of all their soups.
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meghan
@deloisiveteOct 18
My kid just told me his toast is too crunchy. Please respect our privacy during this trying time
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krista
@kristabellerinaOct 17
Ever wish you could send your kids back to the 80s so they can watch Saturday Morning Cartoons with you?
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