Brian Mairs (ᓇᓄᖅ)

A LETTER FROM OSCAR THE GROUCH TO DONALD TRUMP - May 2, 2025 Hey Trump, You colossal wad of moldy dryer lint. Word got down the alley — you signed some executive order to kill funding for PBS and NPR because they don’t slobber all over your bloated ego like Newsmax does. Real brave, Donny. You really showed that puppet who teaches kids how to count. What’s the matter? Big Bird too yellow for your taste? Elmo’s voice make your brain hurt? Or maybe it was the terrifying threat of journalism that doesn’t kiss your fake tan and pretend you’re a genius. You called us biased? Buddy, I live in a trash can, and even I know bullsh*t when I smell it — and let me tell you, your executive order reeks like expired ham and broken promises. PBS isn’t biased — it’s boring. That’s the point. It teaches facts, not fascism. But I get it. Facts are scary when your entire career is built on lies, bankruptcies, and screaming like a fer ferret with rabies every time someone asks a real question. You think you’re hurting elites? Ha. The only ones you’re gutting are the kids in Kansas whose local station runs on crumbs and duct tape. The parents who rely on Arthur because it’s the only damn show that doesn’t rot their kids’ brains. The old ladies who watch PBS NewsHour because they’d rather get facts than hear about Hunter Biden’s laptop for the 9,000th time. I’ve lived in garbage my whole life. It’s peaceful. It’s quiet. It doesn’t gaslight the nation or golf during wildfires. But you? You don’t belong in garbage. Garbage has standards. So here’s my message, sprayed in dumpster juice and wrapped in old newspaper: Get your grubby little hands off public broadcasting and crawl back into whatever gold-plated bunker you use to hide from truth, decency, and adult consequences. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got better things to do — like yell at pigeons and eat soup with a fork. Rottenly yours, Oscar the Grouch Veteran of the Trash Wars Grouch-American, Unbought, Unbossed