bomas

most important lesson I learned in my 30’s is that you cannot manage other people’s perceptions of u. I vividly remember being 34-35 and REALLY struggling with this so I'll explain. (1/7) people don't think, they feel. in your mind u assume that everything about u is being weighed rationally and using the power of reason in reality, there is no objective reality. we live in stories. we have stories of ourselves and who we believe ourselves to be. the other people in our midst are comprised of stories that we have subjectively written about them. and you, in turn, are nothing but a story to others. there isn't just one "story" - each story is subjective and unique based on the individual author in question. (2/7) to some people, u are viewed thru a favorable lens, a favorable story. everything u say or do is filtered thru this lens. their view of u is skewed (and incorrect) in that it's too rosy. their perception is too positive. to others, u are viewed thru a negative lens, a negative story. ur words and actions are painted with this brush on arrival. their perception is skewed and incorrect, just as the other person's was -- the only difference is the directional bias. one is too positive, one is too negative. in both cases, this is confirmation bias at work, and neither individual may even be aware of this information-filtering mechanism as it takes place. (3/7) what you need to understand, is that you are powerless to change either of these two perceptions. "you cannot manage someone else's perception of you." put another way, what other people think is none of your business. humans are wildly irrational. if you haven't noticed, people perceive all sorts of slights or insults that were either unintentional, and quite often, never even occured. imaginations run wild and ppl dream up scenarios where someone is their best friend or worst enemy - with zero basis in fact. (4/7) you will drive yourself CRAZY trying to empathize "why does this person think what they do?" because the truth, most of the time, is that they don't even know. the subconscious is something like 95% of brain activity on the high end, or "the vast majority of it" on the low end. we have a very, very limited understanding of what makes us think, feel, say, and do the things that we do. at some point, your actions, which are straightforward and logical to you, will be perceived on a wide spectrum by others. this will baffle you - how can all these people draw different conclusions about what I say or do, or even who I am as a human being? (5/7) but this is reality. you are perceived differently, you have a different "story," in the mind of every single person you will ever meet. is there room for their perception to shift positively or negatively based on your actions - of course. yet how much power do u have to control their overall perception of you? very, very little...a number, for your own sanity, best rounded in your own head to zero. (6/7) the output is "stop caring what other people think." this is not meant in a sociopathic or thoughtless light. it means that u should do what u believe to be right, and recognize that ur "sphere of influence" extends no further than that. you are powerless to shape how your words or actions are interpreted by the mind of a given recipient. there is intention, and there is perception. you can control your intention. you cannot control their perception. so don't overthink it, and as a broad way of operating, don't bother trying to manage how other people perceive u... because u simply can't. in the words of Buffett: “I have this complicated procedure I go through every morning, which is to look in the mirror and decide what I’m going to do. And I feel at that point, everybody’s had their say.” (7/7) paradoxically, what u will find is that u become a better person once u stop caring what other people think. it is very easy to bend over backwards trying to please other people, or at least doing what we perceive shall please them. in this process, it is very easy to do the wrong thing while believing it to be right; because it wasn't done for you, it was done for the sake of other people. yet in trying to manage other people's perception of u, u will not only drive yourself crazy, seeing as it doesn't work, but u will likely go astray, go against your own gut instinct, and effectively betray yourself. by short-circuiting all of this -- simply doing what you know in your heart to be right, giving it no further thought, and controlling only what lays in your control -- u will find yourself achieving better outcomes with less stress. that's why the lesson is so important. hth