Andy Brown

🚨NEW: Illegal migrants are set to be unloaded at a port in Gosport tonight, according to Reform UK's Hampshire leader Coaches with a police escort have been seen in Fareham heading south

🚨BREAKING: Officials say the two Iranian men accused of plotting a terror attack on Jewish people in Manchester arrived in the UK by small boat in 2020 and 2023

🚨 MAJOR BREAKING: Premier League confirm an independent Commission has found Manchester City GUILTY OF ALL CHARGES related to serious breaches of the Premier League’s financial rules over a nine-season period, and the majority of charges in relation to its failure to co-operate with the League’s investigation. The club has the right to appeal the independent Commission’s findings and has until Friday 2 October to exercise that right. The Premier League Board’s intention is that the full process (including any appeals and publication of relevant decisions) is concluded as soon as possible. The independent Commission found that between Seasons 2009/10 and 2017/18: - Manchester City arranged ‘sham’ contracts (which misrepresented the true agreement between the parties) with a number of its commercial partners, as well as relying on ‘sham’ agreements with others, to artificially inflate the club’s revenues and reduce its costs - The club filed misstated accounts and concealed the true state of its finances from its auditors and football regulators - Manchester City was significantly in breach of both the Premier League’s and UEFA’s spending limits - During the Premier League’s investigation, Manchester City committed multiple breaches of its duties of co-operation and utmost good faith towards the League (three of the four alleged breaches were upheld)

HOLD ON A MINUTE… WHO ACTUALLY OWNS THE BLOODY BOAT? They want to pursue Danny Tommo over alleged criminal damage. Fine. So let’s start with the obvious question. Who is going to come forward and say, “That’s my boat”? Who bought it? Who owns it? Where’s the paperwork? Who is claiming the damage? And what exactly is the alleged loss? Because surely you can’t have criminal damage without someone actually claiming that their property has been damaged. So I’m asking the question: WHO OWNS THE BOAT?

Sam Smith is the UK in human form