i’m a piece of work

Joined June 2010
mock ing 🤝 🤝 YEAH 🤝 🤝 bird yeah
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hi (with the intention of noticing your patterns within 3 months & telling you we’re not gonna work out)
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perfectly reasonable, i’ll take three.
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I hope this email finds you cold and shamed lying naked on the floor illusion never changed into something real wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
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be the girl he hides from his therapist
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apparently guys don’t like a night out with the boys referred to as a play date. i know this now.
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Sometimes I feel stupid that I’m not defrauding the government.
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“Soup season is starting soon”? Soup season is a lifestyle not a season, Nancy
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cella retweeted
channing tatum posting from his burner account with only one follower and that is actually his official account
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celebrities. they’re just like us.
Channing Tatum’s alleged secret Instagram account has reportedly been uncovered after fans noticed he is the only person following it. The account appears to compliment Tatum while throwing shade at several celebrities, including Harry Styles and his ex-fiancée Zoë Kravitz.
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Guy who invented envelopes: yeah now lick it
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“Where the hell is my…, never mind, found it” -a memoir
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[Me, being murdered] Me: I think you’re making a huge mistake, I’ve never once lit up a room or been the life of the party
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for every year u go without a traffic ticket or an at fault accident, u should be allowed to kill 1 (one) other driver
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You come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married with only two leches?
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just once i’d like to be looped out of an email
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two months ago i retired from cutting my own bangs today we celebrate my triumphant return
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but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job
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babe, are you ok? you’ve barely remembered the 21st night of september
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the perfect vows don’t exis—
I watched this thinking, “no way it’s that bad,” but lowkey, that pumpkin is trying to lay serious pipe
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channeling my inner spirit halloween by trying to find a place to live in the middle of september
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